Two days ago I went to the doctor because I have these red painful patches on my skin up the side of my face and down my neck and shoulder. I have shingles. And it is in 4 different nerve paths , or dermatomes, which I'm told is unusual...but I seem to excel at being ill. (have to laugh at myself).
I guess I know about a lot of different kinds of physical pain (not to mention the emotional pain that is it's constant companion). I was diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis when I was 36 and Crohn's disease at 37.
Pain in different body parts has different qualities…distinguishable if one is quiet (in the mind and heart) and simply listens to the body.
I will do some meditation today...laying down...trying to be with these new uncomfortable sensations...explore them to release the fear that surrounds them. I have found over the years that fear tends to hold on tight to pain and needs to be teased away gently...then much of the pain abates...well at least it is separated into sensation and fear. It's much simpler to just be with the sensation.
What I’ve noticed too about fear is that I'm generally afraid of the sensation being worse than it is. And then when I get to the simplicity of just sensation it's never as bad as I imagined it to be. The other piece is that the pain will go on forever…which of course it never does. It follows it’s own wave pattern…intense swells and then calm. This is a time for me to explore the fear to see what else it is holding.
And so...on we go through yet another tzar...(narrow place)...The sun is shining and filling my window with light as you can see in the frost photo above from early this morning.
Today I must be mother to myself...alone in my bed, sleepy from the nerve pain medicine. It's ok though, I know how. I will treasure the O Mother card I made...she is beautiful and gentle.
My husband has been taking on my post as Mother to the girls since I cannot be near them. He took our younger one, the one who has been ill, to the doctor's this afternoon. They will keep the ng tube in for awhile, but we are stopping the feedings at night to see if she can maintain her weight with table food. If not the tube is already in place and we can start the formula again. Hopefully, she will maintain and then the tube can be removed in a couple of weeks.
Blessings abound...often they are small...like noticing frost on a window...or bigger, not having to be hospitalized (they almost put me in for IV antiviral meds, but I'm doing ok on the orals)...or bigger, our daughter gaining weight and truly beginning to heal.
I am grateful, deeply grateful for each blessing, small or large.