Today I’m feeling slow, sad…maybe it’s the gray weather. My energy is very sluggish and I’m kind of feeling, well….moody. I’ve been so positive everyday for the past 32 days (since this ms exacerbation began)…except for a few moments of tears here and there. I guess I’m allowed a day to just mirror the weather. My dear friend and rabbi, Jon sent me a beautiful psalm that was uplifting and arrived at precisely a moment when I needed it today…I had a minor blow up at poor Rosie…who also isn’t feeling well today. Then I opened my e-mail and there it was.
Psalm 116
Return, my soul, to your resting place
For Hashem has repaid my kindness
For you have fortified my nefesh from dying
My eye from tears
My foot from stumbling
Of course upon reading it my eyes poured forth copious tears…but they were the healing I needed at that moment. And my feet, well stumbling is what they do best right now…but a half hour after the psalm arrived I was able to arrange a pt appointment and a friend to volunteer to take me to at least one of the weekly appointments. (I know another volunteer will pop up for the rescue soon). And my nefesh, well, my soul might be feeling a bit saggy today, but it is far from dying…so truly it feels fortified by God and the love and kindness of family, old friends and new friends.
I am continuously awed by the kindness of so many people…people who know me and my family well and people who don’t. People who I have only met via e-mail, blog and facebook, but are eager to send me words of compassion and wisdom…even videos and crystals for healing. And I look at this line in the psalm:
“For Hashem has repaid my kindness” and I must examine my heart and wonder…have I been kind enough? Is this the phenomenon of “pay it forward” my family and I are experiencing? Have I been kind ENOUGH?
I know am kind by nature…but kind enough? And so, this is something I must continue to review in my life, in my words, in my deeds, in my heart. For the next 32 days I am committed to meditating with the intention of compassion (rachamim) toward my ailing body as my focus. Perhaps this will help me in cultivating this middah (soul quality) of kindness toward others (chessed). The two words are so intrinsically linked…If I can open to compassion in regard to my own body, with which I am struggling right now…then surely compassion and kindness toward others will be the direction in which this sacred intention will flow. Now, will I ever be as kind as the psalmist…I doubt it…but I will keep trying…and looking back at my interactions with others each day…hoping, praying that at least for today…I was kind enough.
Psalm 116
Return, my soul, to your resting place
For Hashem has repaid my kindness
For you have fortified my nefesh from dying
My eye from tears
My foot from stumbling
Of course upon reading it my eyes poured forth copious tears…but they were the healing I needed at that moment. And my feet, well stumbling is what they do best right now…but a half hour after the psalm arrived I was able to arrange a pt appointment and a friend to volunteer to take me to at least one of the weekly appointments. (I know another volunteer will pop up for the rescue soon). And my nefesh, well, my soul might be feeling a bit saggy today, but it is far from dying…so truly it feels fortified by God and the love and kindness of family, old friends and new friends.
I am continuously awed by the kindness of so many people…people who know me and my family well and people who don’t. People who I have only met via e-mail, blog and facebook, but are eager to send me words of compassion and wisdom…even videos and crystals for healing. And I look at this line in the psalm:
“For Hashem has repaid my kindness” and I must examine my heart and wonder…have I been kind enough? Is this the phenomenon of “pay it forward” my family and I are experiencing? Have I been kind ENOUGH?
I know am kind by nature…but kind enough? And so, this is something I must continue to review in my life, in my words, in my deeds, in my heart. For the next 32 days I am committed to meditating with the intention of compassion (rachamim) toward my ailing body as my focus. Perhaps this will help me in cultivating this middah (soul quality) of kindness toward others (chessed). The two words are so intrinsically linked…If I can open to compassion in regard to my own body, with which I am struggling right now…then surely compassion and kindness toward others will be the direction in which this sacred intention will flow. Now, will I ever be as kind as the psalmist…I doubt it…but I will keep trying…and looking back at my interactions with others each day…hoping, praying that at least for today…I was kind enough.
If you only let a few people look into your eyes, dayenu.
ReplyDeleteIf after looking into your eyes, you allowed people a place to learn and be loved, dayenu.
If after learning and feeling so well loved, you inspired others to do the same, dayenu.
Your kindness is enough.
Becca,
ReplyDeleteI couldn't imagine who this Becca was from Jerusalem commenting on my blog! I just looked at yours and saw your beautiful children. What a JOY. Thank you for your poem. I so wish I could have seen you at the wedding, it's been such a long time! May this be a year of great blessing for you and your loved ones.
Laura