where the Holy Blessed One
And when dear Nancy asked me, "Is there something you wish to say to God right now?"
All I could say, the only words I could discern from my heart were so very simple:
And so in Hebrew I say dayenu...for certainly this sensation of being home, a housing for Divinity is enough...more than enough
Nancy mentioned tiferet (beauty) the sefirah that sits between gevurah (power/strength/boundaries) & chesed (kindness). I took time after our sitting to look at map/tree of the sefirot and was reminded that tiferet sits between hod (majesty) & netzach (endurance) as well. Tiferet is like the heart that must hold these qualities in balance. This is not evident in my body's ability to move or find stability when I walk, yet this is absolutely where MY heart, spirit & mind dwell these days...centered, grounded between the gevurah/boundaries this disease has placed on me…the chesed/kindness I have learned to feel for myself and have received from others…the hod/majesty of the blessings bestowed upon me and all the world (by the Holy Blessed One) no matter how complicated or painful life can be….the netzach/endurance to live a rich life despite being quite ill and God’s enduring Presence throughout every moment of my life. Nancy used the word foundation; as in the foundation of my house is structurally sound and supporting me/my home/God's home, well. And naturally, the sefirah directly below tiferet is yesod (foundation). We sat a while longer, I noticed my breath filling my body with greater ease and then an image came to me behind my closed eyes...a full, rounded heart shaped balloon rising up above the tops of trees. So there was this floating, rising image appearing in my minds eye while at the same time there was clarity around being stable and grounded. I love when there are events/thoughts that at first appear to be contradictions but upon closer inspection are not at odds at all. Of course my heart feels like it is full and soaring. How could it possibly fly if I did not feel safe and content, on solid ground?
PS. I found this brief explanation of the sefirot at www.askmoses.com
I remember too, during that same time period sitting in sessions with Nancy talking about this unsettled feeling, this desire to be somewhere else; a discomfort that I realize now had more to do with living in my own skin than the physical location of our family home. Admittedly I still really dread the long winters here-I like to be warm and I crave the sun's light. Well, we reside in the same house in NH, and yet, everything in my life now "seems new" since this MS diagnosis. And after this awareness in spiritual direction, this palpable knowing that I am indeed a home, a dwelling for God's Presence, (not just words I've been taught to believe but a knowing beyond the reality of my very bones), this tin heart for my new door, for my home (my body) that feels like home was the perfect image to accompany this blog entry. I must say too, that had we moved back then, we would not have the foundation (there's that word again) of support that we have here through our friends and synagogue community.
The tin heart currently sits in a little stone dish garden that I use for lighting incense when I meditate; another road that leads to the door of my own heart/home. The background the tin heart is laying against in the photo is watercolor on paper from a birthday card my daughter Rosie made for me last year. (Paper she painted while still at the hospital and saved as a treasure that she gave to me).
And so my friends, this journey continues for all of us.
May all beings be blessed with chesed (kindness) rachamim (compassion), refuah (healing), simcha (joy) and shalom (peace).