What do you have to offer? I give you an opportunity to find your own way, a new way to walk on the surface of the water. I give you a new perspective from which to see your life.
What do you want from me? I want you to breathe in the colors of the water, to notice how grounded you are despite the shifting unstable surface...I want you to recognize that you are supported even when you cannot see what is below. i want you to know that you are still the dancer you always were, that the music is within you and you will find the next step if you close your eyes and stop trying so hard to find the right step, the right spot, there is no right here...just foot falls and faith.
Is there anything else you want to tell me? Not right now.
What is your name? Water Walker
The current dance I'm doing seems to be 2 steps forward 1 step back...which is an improvement over the other way around...I'm still moving forward by a step. It's frustrating. I rather enjoy the 2 step progress and must deal with the disappointment of loosing that extra step when fatigue sets in. My voice was near normal most of the day. I was able to do two loads of laundry and wash the dishes from breakfast, lunch and then half of the dinner dishes. Then I started to really crash. Midway through watching a movie with the family I fell asleep. When I woke up my voice was difficult to understand again...my movement became awkward and Gordon had to help me up the steps to bed. On the one hand a complete bummer and the on other hand I am so grateful for all I accomplished today. I know two loads of laundry and washing dishes doesn't sound like much to most people but for me it was so good to be able to do some of my “family member of this household” duties. How much is reasonable to attempt in a day without the “superman in the presence of kryptonite” thing kicking in and knocking me out? Not that I ever had super powers to begin with…but the before/after contrast truly feels that dramatic to me. I know I wrote about my concerns in this regard on the last post...maybe this is really boring to read...probably. Even my writing style is less than optimal...kind of gives you a view into my slowed down brain capacity when I am over tired. No great insights here. Just my current reality. Maybe looking directly at my current reality is a noble insight?
Above are my ramblings from last night around 10pm. More coherent than I imagined when I laid my thoughts down then. Today is a new day. My voice is back to a slight accent and my thoughts aren't as slushy and slow. I slept in, usually I’m wide-awake by 5 (sometimes 4:30) and can’t fall back to sleep. This of course adds to my fatigue. This morning when I woke up at that predawn hour I stayed in bed and opened my hands and offered reiki to everyone I could think of in need of healing and then added “all beings in need of healing” to my long list of friends, family and friends of friends and friends of family, eventually drifting back to sleep with my palms facing upward. The next time I woke I placed my hands on my heart and belly and offered myself reiki, again delightfully drifting back to sleep…and stayed there till 7:45. It felt so good to give and rest all at the same time.
I’m watching snow fall gently outside the window now, a fine, fresh coat of white, just a subtle change to the already stark winter palette. It is falling and slowly shifting the look of things. That’s very much how MS can be for me. It is a barely perceptible density that begins soon after I wake up, like a thin powdery veil of white gradually weighing me down with each act of “normalcy” I add to the day. By evening the snow/kryptonite/gravity blanket will be so heavy I will hardly recognize the body that contains my soul. I will again be buried beneath a form of fatigue that freezes my thoughts, movements and self-expression. And, and, and…if I am so blessed, I will wake up and thank God for restoring me and allowing me to try this 2 steps forward, 1 step back awkward MS dance again tomorrow.
Tomorrow has arrived and now rain occupies my window scape. It is strangely warm for the end of December in NH. The new dusting from yesterday is completely gone and the snow from weeks past is receding as well. I feel renewed and refreshed this morning as I envisioned would be so. Another night of comfortable sleep, a promising day of just being present with my husband and girls, no plans, no place to go, simple rest and bits of conversation, cups of tea, more laundry of course and a heart knowing, that for now this is enough, this is plenty. My intention this morning is that the dance du jour will be slow, meditative steps, like water walking, yoga or qigong. That is my intention. And I am keenly aware that whatever music life pours out onto the floor this day will determine the shape of the dance, if not it's pace.