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When we see through our hearts, we recognize that every single one of us is infused with creativity. Divine Sparks are embedded in everyone and everything. It's up to us to be courageous, to look and listen deeply, to find the sparks, gather and release them back into the universe, transformed into something new. Join me as we wake up to the sacred-ordinary blessings waiting to greet us each and every day.

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Sunday, May 2, 2010

Softedged

Sunday Evening:
No seriously....I enjoy this softedged way of being in my life!

I've been blowing up at everyone today. This is not like ME...ok sometimes, definitely sometimes...but not all day long!

I have been "experimenting" with a new medication this week...Ampyra...the miracle drug that was going to give me more energy, help me walk better yada yada yada. It is always more complicated than you think it will be. Turns out I don't LIKE being this awake. I prefer my gentle, slightly dulled MS awake to the hyper-alert, easily agitated (because I'm not missing anything apparently-aka moody bitchiness), and inability to actually sleep at night. Really. Maybe I need to give it another chance (I'm on my second round of trying and it isn't going well)...but not until after the Bat Mitzvah...I don't think my family (or I) can take the stress of me being on a mood altering drug 7 weeks away from the big day!!!! (well truthfully I mean all the days between now and then...or even another week or two until my body supposedly adjusts!)

I was blogging around, trying to calm my racing mind tonight and found these heart opening posts. Cathy's really spoke to me. And so did Debbie's.

Monday Morning:
I'm feeling kinda blue. Looking back at yesterday I realize...I was mega monster PMS-esque momma from hell. (only drug induced, not actual PMS) It was awful. Then a fitful sleep (mostly awake) last night. When I tried it earlier this week for two and a half days I was up all but two and a half hours Thursday into Friday. I waited a couple of days like the doctor suggested to try again. I don't think it's for me this medicine. Today I'm feeling terrible remorse for my nasty outbursts. Once the meanness is out you can't really retrieve it. I mean I know I was not in control of my words/thoughts because of the drug...but still...it all came from me. I feel so sad.

Well at least I know how I feel...that's good right? and I know this will all pass and life will settle again into some kind of normal once the medicine is out of my system, but for today, I'm just feeling the weight of the waiting. The weight of words spoken and anger oozing...I didn't know I had that much bitterness in me, not a whole days worth. Well the anger is gone and I'm left with the unsettled feeling of causing pain...ok Honestly...I wasn't THAT horrible (on a truly horrible hateful human scale)...but I wasn't kind. And I did yell. And I was not patient. And I was seeing faults in everyone. I couldn't listen...because my heart was closed off. Now it is open again; softened. I am feeling deeply. The lack of sleep and sadness are adding to the softedged quality of being, providing a place for my weary soul to rest on this rainy Monday.

I know this is a ramble and certainly not a positive message for you today. I don't quite understand this phenomenon completely...but airing my "dirty laundry" is kind of liberating and healing for me. Maybe because I know there are others out there having similar days, or that have in the past and you get it...I'm not alone...you are not alone. Maybe that's it? Maybe. Anyway, sorry if you stopped by expecting an uplifting post...but do check out Cathy's and Debbie's. They are quite grounding and beautiful. And then this morning I found this video on Carolyn's blog. No words from me...deep sigh. Just watch it.

Here's to a day of asking for forgiveness from Gordon and the girls, and from myself. Here's to listening more, talking and presuming less. Here's to a good night of sleep and a calmer tomorrow :)

May I feel safe.
May I feel happy.
May I feel strong.
May I live with ease.

May this be so for all beings.

gentle steps,
laura

18 comments:

  1. Oh, those darn side effects! They can wreak havoc.

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  2. you are NOT kidding Debra...havoc is a good word here!...or perhaps temporary havoc.

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  3. You must forgive yourself and not beat yourself up more than the drug has beat you up. Sometimes the side effects are definitely not worth the main effects.

    That photo is lovely. Rainy days are good for soul contemplation.

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  4. the good thing is that your family loves you...unconditionally...the don't like this disease any more than you do...but they do understand that "there are going to be days like these" and they are going to pass...and wonderful mom and wonderful wife will return. you don't know how those meds are going to work until you try. you tried they didn't work...yesterday will be forgotten...hearts will return to love.

    hugs...
    robin.

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  5. I have been feeling angry and vulnerable, and I am not on any medication. It's me. All me. For the past two weeks I have basically taken myself out of circulation, which is easier for me with no kids at home and a husband who has been working out of town. My online connections have been a lifesaver because I can read and write in my own time. I am completely unsettled but as questions come to the surface I see why this is the next step, the right time. You are not alone either, Laura. Take care.

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  6. Thank you dear Robin...you speak directly to my greatest fear...what will be remembered. I feel calmer now and I do believe the love will shine brightest...though the bad times will be mixed in. I was just reading about how memories change as we remember them, I think in Smithsonian or maybe National Geographic...lets hope the memories become more fond over time...they have for me.

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  7. may you feel loved.

    you are.

    xox

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  8. thank you cristie...right back at you!

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  9. The photograph is a beautiful representation of your wishes. I'm hoping you are feeling a little better today.

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  10. I am Joanne, thank you...amazing how getting a medicine that isn't working for ya out of your bloodstream can bring you fully back to yourself! Wow...I feel like Alice, or Dorthy, I don't know...but there is no place like home in my own body and recognizable mindstate...feels like home.

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  11. softened, blurry
    the lens loved by us all
    the wrinkle-less lens :)
    the lens that smooths out our imperfections, softens glaring faults, and shows us in a more subtle light

    what a journey this is for you Laura
    thankyou for being willing to share the bad with the good, bringing things into sharp focus when needed

    may the meds be released from your body, may your mind be released from it's guilt

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  12. thanks Kel for your poetic take on this...blessings to all my bloggy friends...your supportive comments today have created a soft place for me to land and rest this evening!

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  13. Kel says it perfectly... ((hugs))

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  14. Laura, so sorry about the other day. I am glad that you are doing better.
    Med changes are always so unpredictable; you never know what to expect.
    Sometimes even without those changes we are still subject to such awful mood swings.
    I get short tempered sometimes and my wife has to put me back on track by reminding me. Of course, taking several different kinds of medication doesn't help.

    Just know that your family loves you and your friends are there for you.
    Take good care, my friend.

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  15. Such a lovely post, as usual...so much depth and such sensitivity.

    I send you Metta on this beautiful spring day...safe, happy, strong at ease.

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  16. oh, I'm so sorry I missed this. Missed the chance to send good thoughts.
    But now that you're in mine, they are always there of course.

    I have enough of a challenge dealing with hormones, let alone adding meds to the mix. Forgive yourself Laura. Your family is unconditional love. You are loved unconditionally.

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