No seriously....I enjoy this softedged way of being in my life!
I've been blowing up at everyone today. This is not like ME...ok sometimes, definitely sometimes...but not all day long!
I have been "experimenting" with a new medication this week...Ampyra...the miracle drug that was going to give me more energy, help me walk better yada yada yada. It is always more complicated than you think it will be. Turns out I don't LIKE being this awake. I prefer my gentle, slightly dulled MS awake to the hyper-alert, easily agitated (because I'm not missing anything apparently-aka moody bitchiness), and inability to actually sleep at night. Really. Maybe I need to give it another chance (I'm on my second round of trying and it isn't going well)...but not until after the Bat Mitzvah...I don't think my family (or I) can take the stress of me being on a mood altering drug 7 weeks away from the big day!!!! (well truthfully I mean all the days between now and then...or even another week or two until my body supposedly adjusts!)
I was blogging around, trying to calm my racing mind tonight and found these heart opening posts. Cathy's really spoke to me. And so did Debbie's.
I'm feeling kinda blue. Looking back at yesterday I realize...I was mega monster PMS-esque momma from hell. (only drug induced, not actual PMS) It was awful. Then a fitful sleep (mostly awake) last night. When I tried it earlier this week for two and a half days I was up all but two and a half hours Thursday into Friday. I waited a couple of days like the doctor suggested to try again. I don't think it's for me this medicine. Today I'm feeling terrible remorse for my nasty outbursts. Once the meanness is out you can't really retrieve it. I mean I know I was not in control of my words/thoughts because of the drug...but still...it all came from me. I feel so sad.
Well at least I know how I feel...that's good right? and I know this will all pass and life will settle again into some kind of normal once the medicine is out of my system, but for today, I'm just feeling the weight of the waiting. The weight of words spoken and anger oozing...I didn't know I had that much bitterness in me, not a whole days worth. Well the anger is gone and I'm left with the unsettled feeling of causing pain...ok Honestly...I wasn't THAT horrible (on a truly horrible hateful human scale)...but I wasn't kind. And I did yell. And I was not patient. And I was seeing faults in everyone. I couldn't listen...because my heart was closed off. Now it is open again; softened. I am feeling deeply. The lack of sleep and sadness are adding to the softedged quality of being, providing a place for my weary soul to rest on this rainy Monday.
I know this is a ramble and certainly not a positive message for you today. I don't quite understand this phenomenon completely...but airing my "dirty laundry" is kind of liberating and healing for me. Maybe because I know there are others out there having similar days, or that have in the past and you get it...I'm not alone...you are not alone. Maybe that's it? Maybe. Anyway, sorry if you stopped by expecting an uplifting post...but do check out Cathy's and Debbie's. They are quite grounding and beautiful. And then this morning I found this video on Carolyn's blog. No words from me...deep sigh. Just watch it.
Here's to a day of asking for forgiveness from Gordon and the girls, and from myself. Here's to listening more, talking and presuming less. Here's to a good night of sleep and a calmer tomorrow :)
May I feel happy.
May I feel strong.
May I live with ease.
May this be so for all beings.