Floating on the Surface of My Life

floating on the surface of my life
immersed in the doing
until I can't
then resting and looking down at the
busyness
the motions that brought me to this point of
exhaustion
all for love
for tradition
for continuity
for my family
my daughter
recognizing an unexpected grace

God is in the details too

yes, even in the glue gun, ribbons
and flower pots
the menus
the phone calls
the shopping
the cleaning
the bat mitzvah dress that's now too short
(Rosie grew an inch + since April and it was on the short side then!)
the friend who will add on to the length
our kind Rabbi who comes to the house for lessons
(because it's a long drive for me and Gordon is sooooo busy at work)
friends and family who will help set tables
(impossible for me to do with a cane hard for me to do in a wheel chair)
so many details!

When two different friends asked me recently where I am spiritually these days...all I could answer was "I'm floating on the surface of my life". I was concerned about my answer, I thought I was too caught up in minutia and missing holiness some how, not taking the time to sit and dive deep...and now I see that God is in the details as much as God's Presence will be known in the moment our daughter Rosewillow will be called to the Torah (in just 2 weeks). I just forget to pay attention and notice. And then a rose blossoms in our tangled garden...and I see it... I remember...and floating on the surface, "doing" is suddenly as valuable, necessary, integral to the wholeness of my being as the slow pace I generally prefer. I am so grateful to Miranda and Viv for asking...to Nancy for taking the time to sit in silent companionship and offering her wonderful spiritual direction this week; for telling me we all need reminders from time to time...that's why we are all here for each other. Indeed.

I am really tired...some days I get a lot done, other days I sleep and read and rest. It is still so hard to get used to limited energy. It's so variable and random...one minute I'm feeling almost normal and then I'm a zombie crawling up the steps to bed, unintelligible when I speak. The house is finally in good shape for company, after nearly two years of inattention to home care (due to Rosie being sick, then me). I couldn't have gotten it together without my sister and sister-in-law...and now my parents are coming Sunday to stay through the next few weeks to help. I feel so blessed to have so much support from family, from friends...from all of you who stop by and comment and check in. Thank you everyone who has left messages these past few weeks, I really do appreciate your kindness. Belin is feeling fine, by the way...it took about 8 days for the rash to clear and for her to feel like herself again. Rosie is starting to have occasional tummy troubles, but not too bad so far. (anxiety will definitely cause flaring of her symptoms-so I offer her reiki and guided relaxation when she's too tightly wound). Gordon is holding down the fort as always...and I'm just grateful that friends and family will be gathered around us to celebrate in 2 weeks.

gentle steps,
Laura

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