Transformation, Growth & Healing

"Out of the clear blue"

On Friday, September 3rd, it will be exactly one year since I was officially, diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. In reality, my life has been changing on a continuum since the day I was born (true for all of us). Chronic pain, fatigue and a wide variety of other symptoms have been weaving in and out of my world for many years, and yet, psycho-spiritually, the compassionately uttered words, "I'm sorry to have to tell you dear, your spinal fluid and MRI results confirm that, you have Multiple Sclerosis..." from my doctor, felt as though they had fallen out of the clear blue sky. Needless to say, allowing those words to sink in and take root in my heart and mind this year, has had as profound an effect on my life (and my family's) as the physical impairments I am learning to adapt to moment by moment.

If you have been following my blog over the past year or so, I thank you with my whole heart for bearing witness to this journey and for your loving support through blog comments, personal emails and companionable silence. (I know I say "thank you" a lot on my blog, but gratitude is part of my spiritual practice, so please accept my repetition with sincere intent.) Attempting to distill the mysteries, awakenings, gleanings; essentially the GIFTS that have been offered to me through the strangeness of living with MS, in this single post would be impossible. And so, if you are new to Shine the Divine: Creativity Is a Spiritual Practice, I invite you to get cozy on a comfortable chair, perhaps with a cup of tea, and prepare to hang out for awhile reading through old posts starting here.

Random heart discovered! ...cleverly disguised as a "smooshed" crab apple.

In the Jewish calendar, Rosh Hashanah marks the beginning of the year, (technically there are other "New Year" celebrations in our calendar too like Tu b'Shvat and Pesach-but this is the BIG one, most people think of). For anyone with school age children this might feel like the beginning of the year to you too. Here's another way to think about this time as a new year beginning for everyone (in the northern hemisphere). Although one might imagine late summer/early autumn to be an ending: grasses, flowers, and leaves appear to be dying as they brown and crumble, keen observation into the rhythm of nature unveils another understanding. The leaves are starting to turn color, the remaining petals of Black-Eyed-Susan's gently float to the earth leaving behind dark brown seed heads, nuts roll about beneath our feet, pods are drying out, this is all true, and while we bid farewell to summer's particular form, we might also recognize that this dying is not simply an end, but also a beginning. The dying-drying process allows seeds to be released. Fall rains will soon assist the little seeds as they nestle into the soil. This "death" is the start of next year's green birth. Intensely disabling exacerbations (especially at the start of each of the 3 documented episodes) and a diagnosis of MS was a kind of "dying" for me. My physically active life as I knew it before is gone. That is not to say that I cannot/will not do some of the things I have enjoyed in the past, but the way I engage, the way I feel is very different in all four worlds of my lived experience (body, mind, heart, soul). I am forever changed. I have become "new" to myself. I have been birthed into a new form of "Me-ness".

And so while it might seem incongruous to some, publicly announcing the anniversary date for the diagnosis of a life altering, chronic, completely unpredictable and at times quite disabling disease, I'm choosing to do so as a way to celebrate transformation, growth and healing. Not MS!

Last year my rabbi and I had planned to co-facilitate a healing service for our community at at the end of Elul; a gentle entry into the High Holidays. Unfortunately, I was far too ill myself at that point to assist or even be present. (I understand from others that Rabbi Jon created a beautiful service!) And so, with humility and gratitude I am pleased to say that as long as my voice behaves this evening, September 2, 2010, I will celebrate a year of healing with my community by leading guided meditation, prayer, silence and song.

Here is a healing prayer I wrote for the service. I hope it resonates for you.

Shifchi kamayim libech.
Hear our prayer, Adonai,

We call out to You when we are frightened.
Listening deeply, we feel your Presence as a reply.

There are days when pain and illness seem endless.
Nights when our thoughts spin in anxious circles.

Yet, with a single sigh, an exhalation, we turn to You Holy Blessed One, and
You open our hearts to courage, awakening in us strength we did not know we possessed.

Breathing in we are reminded that we are not alone, were never alone,
For You are Nishmat Chayyim, the Breath of Life that fills us.

Shifchi kamayim libech v'zachor.
We pour out our hearts like water...and remember.

Remembering eases our suffering; a wave of gratitude enfolds us.
This is healing. Amen.

Change is at the core of healing; healing on a continuum we cannot easily put into words of explanation or ever completely understand...and so we are left with faith.

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*Shifchi kamayim libech translates from Hebrew to mean "we pour out our hearts like water" *v'zachor..."and remember". The words are taken from a verse in the book of Lamentations 2:19

I encourage you to take a moment to listen to a beautifully haunting interpretation of this verse through song by VOCOLOT (Linda Hirschorn, Abbe Lyons and Judy Frankel) click here

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To view some truly spectacular SkyWatch photos and discover more hearts in surprising places spotted by beautiful people around the world, please click the buttons below. Why not commit a random act of kindness and leave a comment for someone you've never visited before? Spread the love.

A random heart found in the very first photo above.

Take another look, how many more do you see?