Shine the Divine:

Creativity IS a Spiritual Practice

When we see through our hearts, we recognize that every single one of us is infused with creativity. Divine Sparks are embedded in everyone and everything. It's up to us to be courageous, to look and listen deeply, to find the sparks, gather and release them back into the universe, transformed into something new. Join me as we wake up to the sacred-ordinary blessings waiting to greet us each and every day.

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Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Ah the Anxious Webs We Weave


I was simply going to post this lovely bejeweled spiderweb photo for Watery Wednesday and WordlessWednesday ...but wordless is pretty tough for me...even when my voice is such a disaster (like right now)....

I was able to take a brief walk a few feet from the back of the house to capture these photos after Gord and I returned from getting my flu shot this morning.

yeah, well a few hours later this is what the world looks like for me when I sit or stand.


My immune system and neurons are not happy with the flu vaccine apparently.

Now the myoclonus that was so annoying in my legs has started up in my head!!!! I have taken to calling myself Momma Exorcist Bobble Head Barbie since this afternoon. It is the weirdest symptom I've had yet....my head just thrashes at amazing speed from side to side (it will truly be incredible if I don't end up giving myself whiplash!) and if I dare to try and stand, my legs get in on the party, then my torso and arms...I must be quite a site to see.

It's tylenol, bedrest and assistance to get to and from the bathroom for me for the next couple of days until my body adjusts to the vaccine...or whatever it is that is supposed to happen. I don't know. I had to have the flu shot because my immune system is compromised (from the Tysabri) and having the actual fullblown flu could be worse than this so I've been told...this is annoying enough! Yikes, can't even imagine having the flu and what that would do to my poor body. My poor sweet body, doing the best she can to deal with all of this. As long as I have my head relatively flat against a pillow the shaking ceases...so I should be able to sleep ok...in fact I wouldn't be able to type if my head were in constant motion at that speed. So yay for pillows and husbands and doctors and daughters who all support me in their own ways!


And my thoughts return to the photos and all the tiny objects caught in the web...flowers, leaves, pine needles, water droplets...and I consider the tangle of reactions that became caught up in the anxiety I felt when this first started this afternoon...it was scary, I had tears in my eyes, I was having so much trouble speaking clearly (dysarthria-slurred speech, nasal, stuttering, slow)...Gordon had to call the doctor...and once she said yes it was from the vaccine, (which of course we realized) but that I shouldn't worry, this isn't unusual for someone with MS, it would only last a few days...the fear eased. I'm still uncomfortable...but I can joke about it now...it will pass. Would you believe my biggest fear was having to sit in the ER with my head doing it's "this woman is possessed call an exorcist" thing in the waiting room for 3 hours before they could find an empty gurney...how uncomfortable I would be unable to lay down and all the stares I'd draw from strangers. Stares from strangers? What a silly thing to be frightened about...but that was number two on my list! I am so incredibly grateful that I did NOT have to go to the damned ER!

In time, the wind will carry away the debris from the spider's web, the droplets of water will evaporate like my tears...the web will remain for a while and new things/thoughts will become caught...for a while...and then eventually the web itself will become free from the flower stems that are supporting it...and God willing, I too will be free from this particular head thrashing symptom.

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33 comments:

  1. seriously?
    head thrashing.

    Laura, you are a rock of a woman.

    sending so much love tonight.

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  2. yeah...rock and roll maybe!! Thanks sweetie.

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  3. Gee, I hope that subsides soon! Can't be pleasant.

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  4. Oh dear Laura,
    I so hope you will be feeling better soon. Sending healing energy your way.
    Rest well,
    Karen

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  5. oh my, sweet Laura (a sister in so many ways, and in this way a fellow traveler on the road of physical absurdity), I can only give you a virtual gentle hug and my hope that this new arrival doesn't make itself a long-term guest.

    xo

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  6. Lots of Peeps would be writing: "...and life SUCKS!"

    And yet, with all that's happening, you have the courage, the humble gratitude, to be enthusiastic about life in general, and blogging also.

    Indeed you're an inspiration to Peeps who you do not even know about!

    (You will not get the flu anyway!)

    Peace! And Love!

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  7. In your profile I read: "May you be blessed with chesed (kindness), rachamim (compassion), simcha (joy), shalom (peace). May it be so for all beings.

    Believe me, I experience all four of those MOST of the time. Life IS beautiful.

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  8. Laura, I hope that passes quickly. That must be beyond upsetting. And I can't blame you for not wanting people to stare at you because they would, wouldn't they? Having no understanding at all of what you're enduring.

    So thankful you have such wonderful loving support. I just wish you'd had a heads up about the reaction...

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  9. Hi Laura.

    I hope you feel better soon. I haven't had a flu shot since I got sick. The opinions among the doctors I've seen area about split down the middle as to whether I should get one or not, so I haven't. Instead, Tony gets one for both of us.

    I'm so sorry you're having such a strong reaction but I'm glad the doctor could reassure you that it was just from the vaccine.

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  10. Your posts are so candid at all times, yet so eloquent, in words and pictures. Always positive despite the incredible pain you must be feeling.
    My visits here always put my own life, and my (tiny) troubles, in perspective...
    Have a lovely day dear Laura,
    xoxo

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  11. can´t say I envy you. So much trouble for a flu shot? Don´t seem to be worth it. I always refused them.

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  12. Laura, my continued healing and blessings for you come over the miles.
    I had my flu shot yesterday. Never had a reaction. I am so sorry about what you are experiencing. With all you are going through you continue to bless me with your thoughts, images and just "you".

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  13. the wind will eventually carry the debris of illness from your body too. your photos are beautiful, you have quite the observant eye, you have. love, hugs and prayers for you!!!

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  14. I'm so very, very sorry to read about your horrible reaction to the flu shot. Your beautiful photos and thoughtful words, and then the description of what your dear, poor body is going through, touched me deeply.

    You are grace and dignity and strength. I am truly humbled by how you meet your obstacles with such wisdom.

    I'm sending you much love, and healing thoughts, as well. I hope you feel better again very soon, so you can fully enjoy this beautiful season.
    xo

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  15. hope you feel better soon...does not sound like a whole lot of fun...but even still you plucked our wens and made us think...have a wonderful day!

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  16. Laura,
    I hope the symptoms are leaving your system as I type and that each moment brings you closer to relief. My thoughts are with you but I wish I could do more.
    Melanie

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  17. So sad that you had a bad response to the shot. I have never taken a flu shot. That sounds horrible.

    Your photos are lovely and it is wonderful that they have given you insight.

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  18. Head thrashing!!! Oh, Laura. You make me smile and cry at the same time. All I can say is, "I relate." Even though my illness is not MS. Never a dull moment, eh?

    My friend and I often talk about how we get used to "normal," whatever that is, even though it could be awful compared to "real" normal. And then something new happens, like your flu shot reaction, and the fear kicks in.

    I'm glad for the mercies of family, pillows, no trip to the ER (a biggie for me, too) and reassurances from doctors that "this too shall pass." Hopefully soon!

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  19. I especially love that first photograph.
    Judy

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  20. Your photos are wonderful, and I hope you're feeling better and better everyday!

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  21. Hi there! :)

    Thank you so much for visiting my blog and leaving such a lovely comment. It made my morning!

    I'm new to your blog, so I don't know all that you've gone through. However, I send my prayers for your quick and speedy recovery. And I absolutely LOVE your photos! The Web in particular is very meaningful...it whispers of creativity, connection, and character...

    Hugs,
    Grace

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  22. Thank you so much for visiting my blog this morning and leaving such a lovely comment. It warmed my heart :)

    Your photographs are so beautiful - the web reminding us of our innate creativity, connnectedness, and ability to catch the things that will sustain us :)

    May you be restored to full health quickly. Sending you a prayer.

    Hugs,
    Grace

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  23. I truly love you, Laura, for all you are ... Words fail. Divine Presence prevails.

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  24. As I was writing my blog post today, I thought I knew all there was to know about allowing life to be as it is. Laura, with each new post you manage to teach me a few more things about true surrender. You make it look so easy. With you, I know the impossible is possible. Shine on dear one, shine the divine light on everything, as difficult and painful as it may be. The darkness is no match for you:)

    May your immune system protect you. May the antibodies know how to distinguish enemy from friend.

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  25. Pretty set of photos, I especially love that last one.

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  26. You are a constant amazement to me. Sending you loving energy and prayers.....

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  27. I love your photos and I surely hope you are feeling better now. I heard the flu shots can have side effects. Stay Strong!

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  28. Thank you for always being so honest and open. I learn and it helps. It give me perspective and it helps. I gain new tools and it helps.
    Your photos are beautiful! I don't often look at spider webs and see their beauty; I mostly look for the spider so I can avoid it - lol!
    I pray that weird, rock-and-roll reaction calms down soon and you can enjoy some peaceful release from it. May you feel cool hands on your forehead and grace blossoming in your heart, dear Laura.

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  29. Oh dear one, I am so sorry to hear that you are dealing with such annoying symptoms from the flu shot! Your strength and ability to continue forward is something that I admire more than I can say.

    You are so dear to me and to know that you are suffering makes my heart sad. I pray that these terrible symptoms will subside quickly and that your world will grow steady again.

    Love you,
    Deb

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  30. Thank you, Laura. I appreciate your words so much!

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  31. I went looking through Mary Oliver's poetry because your words struck a memory ~ there is a poem that reminds me of you. I found what I was looking for in the last lines of "The Ponds," a poem about water lilies:
    Sill, what I want in my life
    is to be willing
    to be dazzled -
    to cast aside the weight of facts
    and maybe even
    to float a little
    above this difficult world.
    I want to believe I am looking
    into the white fire of a great mystery.
    I want to believe that the imperfections are nothing -
    that the light is everything -
    that it is more than the sum
    of each flawed blossom rising
    and fading.
    And I do.

    May you feel better soon ~

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  32. Laura, I sure hope you are feeling better -- that reaction sounds absolutely miserable and scary, too. Thinking of you today...and I enjoyed your pictures from your backyard here.

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