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Creativity IS a Spiritual Practice

When we see through our hearts, we recognize that every single one of us is infused with creativity. Divine Sparks are embedded in everyone and everything. It's up to us to be courageous, to look and listen deeply, to find the sparks, gather and release them back into the universe, transformed into something new. Join me as we wake up to the sacred-ordinary blessings waiting to greet us each and every day.

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Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Truth Be Told


truth be told
I get used to
going out
joining in
feeling part of
life beyond the boundaries
of my house.
I get used to it.

got used to it
this summer
as we celebrated my daughter's
bat mitzvah
and traveled to be
with family
and friends
so much joy.

but here I am
once again
peering through windows
foggy from a family's morning
of showers
as they prepare
and leave
for a day at school and work.

and truth be told
my legs are too tired
too weak this morning
to take me even out into the yard
to photograph a single leaf.

so I watch the sun bathing
the trees in gold
from my bed
shuffling downstairs with care
to discover
another pleasing view
through the kitchen window.


truth be told
I get used to
going out
joining in
feeling part of
life beyond the boundaries
of my house.
I get used to it.

got used to it.

but like the filtered sun-glow
slowly shifting her spot light
from one stand of trees to another
I cannot expect a body, my body
besieged by an completely unpredictable disease
to remain the same from day to day
moment to moment
my physical health
like, everyone's really
is in a constant state of flux
my husband is busy
my children are busy
I am here at home
with the dog
the cats
the blessed internet
the season has changed
and with it my ability
to venture out more
often.

truth be told
I pretend a lot.
at least it feels that way
when I am busy shooting emails to and fro
scheduling appointments and activities
for my family (a few for me)
filling up our calendar
filling in our story
I pretend that I will be able to attend
everything
I imagine that I will go
that I will feel strong
on that day
I'll be there too
with everyone else
and truth be told
sometimes I will
sometimes

but truth be told
the calendar details
a story that I watch unfold
most often from my bedroom
I have not driven a car in nearly two months
the last *pseudo-exacerbation
left behind myoclonis in my legs
there are days when it does not
happen
there are days when every time I attempt to
stand and walk
my legs do a wild dance
all their own
but will not allow me to move forward
without assistance
will not support me
so I must slowly edge along a counter top
table
chairs
wall
or simply wait
until the shaking
stops.
I cannot leave the house unless
someone comes to get me,
takes me
somewhere
else.

yesterday was spent sending
emails to several people who do not know
my story
they have no idea how exhausting it can be
for me to organize and arrange
schedule and check in with everyone
on the list
and that's as it should be
the not knowing
how could they
know?
they are strangers

and I imagine those who do know
I have MS
simply don't realize
don't understand
that even though I "looked great"
the last time they saw me
dressed well and made-up
or
because I am still fairly
efficient
able to get things done
most days
with my computer
and healthy mind
they don't know
that I am pretending
acting as if
I can do
everything
as though I have the energy
of a typical woman my age
with time on my hands
not working outside my home
time
on
my
hands
how could they know?
I do my best not to make it obvious
I do it for them
for my family
for myself
because
because I still want to be a part of
not apart from
life beyond the boundaries
of my house.

sometimes I create the foggy window.
sometimes I discover clarity.


but there is sunlight
on my hands
across my chest
as I lay in bed
resting
a rest that
cannot restore
the physical energy
that seems to flow right out my scarred
nerves
into my incredibly
active
mind

truth be told
my mind and my computer
help me to
go out
join in
feel part of
life beyond the boundaries
of my house.
I'm getting used to it.

truth be told
last evening Gordon drove me
to a tai chi class
I sat through it
but moved
in fact it felt as though
I were dancing
as my arms reached out
soaring through space
flying
free
though my hips and legs
remained bound to a
chair

there were emotions like
annoyance each time the teacher
instructed us to slow down
my body only does slow
then gratitude
because slow is easy for me
an MS gift that brings awareness
to my movements
sadness and jealousy as I watched
the other women
walking across the floor with ease
but those feelings were fleeting
quickly turning to admiration
and joy
the energy in the room
softening
with the grace of their movements
and my own

and tomorrow night my friend Viv
will come and stay over
she will take me to book-group
I'll be with women friends
I'll
listen
talk
join in
be part of
life beyond the boundaries
of my house.
20 months of practicing
home bound/gnome mound
living

I'm getting used to it.

another secret
to reveal
another
truth to be told
as much as I want
to go and do and be a part
of life beyond these walls
I am often hesitant to
leave the safety
of our house
to be seen
moving awkwardly
to be heard
on days when
the lilt of my
MS acquired
foreign accent
is not pleasantly exotic
because my mouth and tongue
are not receiving the information they need from my
brain
to work together in a coordinated
fashion
and no one
not even
Gordon
can understand my speech
on those days.

and the consequences of going
and doing
are a day or so of "losing ground"
as I float in my bed
exhausted from an excursion
like today.

this is not a page filled with
"woe is me" words,
please don't mistake it as such
this is simply what is.
a sharing of my experience
as I reflect upon my life
this morning
my goodness it's afternoon already.
well
my truth for today
with a small "t".
if my circumstances were different
I might not have time to write
to rest and see my story clearly
to listen to the stirrings of my
heart
or
be
tender
with it.

this is what is.
this is where I'm supposed to be in my life
right now
on this
day.

I trust that this is
true.

I am grateful for the quiet in the house
for this time of reflection
for the range of emotions
rising up and settling back down
like my belly
my chest
as I breathe.

what a gift it is to feel so much, to be able think and shift a view point, view the earth's beauty through my windows and capture a glimpse of it in photographs that can be shared instantly across the world via the internet.

truth be told
I feel blessed.

*I have 2 neurologists, both wonderful. I visited the first one in August after 48 hours of an increase in my symptoms and my wonky leg thing started. She saw no changes in the mri and told me it was just a "pseudo exacerbation". Don't worry, mri looks great. The other doctor who saw me five weeks after the first one and was privy to witnessing myoclonis in action when I stood up, said it was more likely an actual "exacerbation" that didn't show up on the mri because it occurred in old scars, but again not significant enough to change treatment plans at this point, because (thank God) the mri results look unchanged from 6 months ago. Tysabri seems to be working to slow the progression of disease.

23 comments:

  1. Thank you for writing this Laura. Some times we need reminding, and you do it so gently. I feel the same kind of *pretending*, frustration, lack of energy applies to so many of us in life in differing ways. Those in extreme pain, those who are elderly and cannot walk, or bend, or stand too long, those with illnesses before their time. We take so much for granted. Sending you healing thoughts and if it were possible, I would send a magical tonic too to soothe all ailments of mind, body and spirit. We could all use some at times xJ

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  2. "...this is simply what is..."

    ...and is a truth that must be told. This is such a beautiful, at time heartwrenching poem. Thank you for sharing it. By coincidence, my poem for tomorrow is a distant cousin to your poem.
    Judy

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  3. Laura, truth be told, you are a gracious and loving woman who teaches me something every time we connect. I am ecstatic that we will be taking the Buddha Chick class together! There is so much I need to learn....

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  4. thank you Jasmine...I think giving and receiving words of kindness and support is the "magical potion". So cheers, l'chaim....here's to living a life of compassion!

    Oh Judy...you know I will be by tomorrow sweet MSoulSister..it does not surprise me at all that we are feeling some of the same things right now. I think the change of season can make us stop look and listen at our lives in a powerful way. And this is good.

    Oh Sharon dear, you are too kind. I am thrilled and honored to be on the buddha chick journey with you as well!

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  5. Dear Laura, I've just been catching up on what's been happening with you and your life. You are so inspiring to me and so full of grace! And my heart goes out to you! Sending a big hug and much love! Silke

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  6. this was just wonderful to read, laura. truth be told....after reading your words here i don't think i will ever think or feel the same about those 3 words. you made my rise and sink with your words, which i think is quite appropriate as that is truly what happens to you, day in and day out. you conveyed so beautifully your daily challenges....and all i can say is that Grace is on your side. as am i.

    love, love to you

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  7. you have written a very revealing, touching, sometimes down and sometimes uplifting but heart felt poem.

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  8. Dear Laura,

    I am thinking of you and want you to know that. This is an emotional soliloquy and I am always overwhelmed when I read your words. I admire your courage and strength and wish you healing and comfort.

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  9. laura...

    you gutted me with this, with your raw, beautiful way...

    i love your honesty, your humility, your photos of sun on skin and light on leaves, and your way of making peace with it all..

    i'm so glad you came by my place today. it meant a lot. i hope you'll join me for imperfect prose on thursdays, friend. peace, e.

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  10. Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts, cares, and blessings. Others need to know and we all learn and benefit from your beautiful writings and willingness to share. You are so courageous to "put it out there" for all to see. So important! So spiritual! So wonderful!
    Wishing you a day filled with goodness!
    Coralie

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  11. You write beautifully... from the heart.. from the gut. To my own heart and gut. Thank you for that.

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  12. laura, it may feel like pretending to you but to me it looks like divine graciousness. a beautiful way of expressing and sharing your life no matter how different from others. I am so happy to hear that the MRI shows no changes, and send you many blessings of love... xox

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  13. Amazing prose Laura. Many truisms here for me. Thank you for sharing you thoughts.
    Cheers,
    Karen

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  14. it's been way too long since i've been here to see you, laura. your writing always fills me with so much emotion, for the memories of my mother that your writing triggers for me. your writing is a gift for me and for others who come here as well. for me it helps me feel compassion for a woman (my mom, i mean)who did her best, in the end, to take care of herself but who often left me with her gift of crazy. i wonder what her life would have been like if there had been such things as internet for her?
    thank you again for being so brave in your sharing.

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  15. Truth be told...sweet friends...I am feeling tremendous warmth, love, connection through your kind comments. May the cracks of suffering in your hearts, perhaps turned tender again in reading my words above, be filled with the same lovingkindness you have sent to me publicly here or privately via email.

    love,
    Laura

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  16. (((hugs)))... gentle ones... "what is truth but a state of being" possibly slightly mis-quoted from kathleen raine...
    the thought struck me as i read, then you said it... being like this at this time has perhaps allowed you so much learning on higher levels... an accelerated path that possibly requires more energy to attain than the body can cope with...? it's easy for me to say with no such condition to deal with, but would so many people listen & learn from your wisdom & grace & compassion & gentleness... and your down times, if you were not also sharing your incredible struggle with physical health?

    That is not meant to be provocative, for you are truly blessed & i feel blessed to *know* you... i love you laura, and that's the truth (dabs tear from eye)... and yeah, sometimes we forget (can't even guess) what you are dealing with, but othertimes we just know... whatever the official ranking of this flare up, am relieved to hear the mri results... much love suzi xx

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  17. Truth be told Laura, you are an inspiration to me and many more. Wishing you gentle breezes through the windows of your home just as you send them into cyberspace to grace us all and remind us what is truly important.

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  18. This is so beautiful, Laura, thank you for sharing it, and for heightening my awareness and sensitivities!

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  19. Blessing to you sweet brave warrior...your mind, your words and thoughts are still sharp and strong and your pain is our pain and your suffering is ours as well. My thoughts to you from across the miles...you stand out in my mind as someone to admire, look up to, and model my own journey after...all the best brave heart...

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  20. Laura...I am in tears..only because you touched me so with your words...your truth..your honesty. Beautiful and deep!! I wish I was closer to be one who is there to help you venture out when you feel the need.
    The funny thing Laura...I used to live in Tyngsboro.just across the border from Nashua!
    I also ran across an old friend of mine...we have in common..Melanie Hogg. A very small world it is. She follows you on FB. She was my lawyer years ago.
    Sending energy and healing hon!
    Hugs, Sarah

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  21. Dear Laura

    I have learned many things about u
    I am spending lots time with my trip to Africa and little in the internet but I dont forget u
    Have a nice day


    Ah...for 2 days my blow wasinfected and cotnacted by Google but NOW its ok.
    http://graceolsson.com/blog/2010/09/someonelikeyou/

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  22. This is a wonderful "truth be told." Not "woe is me," at all. I understand. I relate. I live, so much of this. I'm also sending the link to my friend with MS, because I know she'll appreciate and relate, as well.

    Isn't this internet community a wonderful gift for those of us who are so often house-bound? We can reach out, share our hearts, with so many whom we would never see, otherwise. A gift.

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  23. I feel blessed to know you and to experience a bit of your life through your amazing writing.

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