Shine the Divine:

Creativity IS a Spiritual Practice

When we see through our hearts, we recognize that every single one of us is infused with creativity. Divine Sparks are embedded in everyone and everything. It's up to us to be courageous, to look and listen deeply, to find the sparks, gather and release them back into the universe, transformed into something new. Join me as we wake up to the sacred-ordinary blessings waiting to greet us each and every day.


Sunday, October 24, 2010

Heart-Full of...

I'm in bed now with jammies on. Exhausted....beyond exhausted. But it was amazing...the whole day. The kids performance was stellar of course and everyone just loved their skit 89cents. They were little rock stars up there they really were. I'm so proud of them. I got to be the song leader for the processional with my friend Carol who has a phenomenal voice and all the kids, but I was the only one with a mic because my voice isn't very strong, with my poor core strength. After all the kids marched off it was just me, Gord playing piano and our friend Joe the drummer. That was only one peak experience for me...I felt like diva for the day in my wheelchair! So funny because when I first went to college I was a voice major (that's how I met Gordon) but I had terrible stage fright and switched majors eventually to textile design. I always wanted to be a singer, since I was little, but just couldn't muster the courage to go through with it. So this was indeed a special kind of t'shuvah for me. Everyone said I sounded great, I have no idea, if they were just being kind. With no monitors I don't really know how I sounded. I'm sure there were times my voice cracked and my control was not good and I couldn't hear my pitch at all, but my heart, my soul, my prayers were pouring through that microphone and I think people felt that. I hope it was inspiring.
I haven't heard the final count but we did very well fundraising as a community. A big, and wonderful surprise was seeing my friend who was diagnosed with MS a month after I was. She sat on my lap in my wheelchair. We hugged for the longest time and sobbed into each other's, sadness, relief, that "I know, I know, and I know you know" feeling. We have been staying in touch via email and fb and haven't seen each other because she still works during the day and is too tired to drive out here to see me and I can't it was just...I really can't describe it. Then we went off into the rabbi's study and hung out for a good hour and a half...shared stories and laughter and more "I know, I know, and I know you know" ...that was such a healing experience for me. That kind of connection with someone in the flesh who really gets my life...and I get hers. And then her husband came to pick her up and the timing was perfect because that's when the gospel choir was starting up.

OH they were AMAZING as friend Olga is the director and lead vocalist and when that woman sings YOU FEEL GOD's Presence in the room. So I was in heaven rolling in close with my chair to take photos and singing along. And then the Klezmerim....and Gord was on fire...EVERYONE was, they sounded so totally stoked and present and full of simcha...pure joy! And seeing and being with so many dear friends and feeling part of such a loving community...not just my shul community but the full interfaith community that was there. Again, it is so hard to explain how full my heart feels right now.

But my body. Oy. I walked with the walls for support from the car through the house to the staircase. I stopped and rested for a few breaths. I crawled with all my strength up the steps, Gord behind me to keep me safe...Ellie passing me by and loving that Mom was on all fours like a dog, her tail wagging with bliss, and me...the tears started to roll. By the time we got to the top of the steps I slid on my butt to a safe place away from the stairs where Gord could lift me. Then he gently guided me to bed. And by then I was sobbing. From exhaustion. From knowing that  hundreds of people saw me up on the bima in a wheelchair, my wheelchair singing with God flowing through me. The irony of the song choice that I was leading: Marching in the light of God...second verse We are moving in the power of God...third verse...We are living in the love of God...that verse worked for all just hit me. I mean how much more SPOT light can you get than singing words like that from your wheelchair...I am disabled. It has only been a year of trying to integrate this into my life, and it is still a painful struggle.
Tomorrow afternoon I have pt, and I'm kind of dreading it right now. It was so hard on Wednesday, I cried through part it. Walking with a cane is sooooo difficult now. I know I have to go. Have to keep trying, retraining my nerves and muscles to work in concert with my breath and my attention and intention and it is just so FREAKING hard.

ALL IS Shadow & my Sorrow, Fear, Shame, Courage, Joy, Song


  1. I'm glad the fundraiser went so well and hope you get a good night's sleep so you are feeling strong for your physical therapy tomorrow!

  2. I cried reading your post, Laura. You have such an open heart -- opening to the joys and the sorrows of this world. You touch me deeply. I'm so glad you were able to participate today even though you're in bed now. I know that Gord and my husband have something special in common: they see us like no one else does -- at our worst. We are both so blessed to have such loving partners. I know he'll be taking good care of you in the next few days.

    All my love,

  3. Glad things went so well, and hope the pt is less difficult than expected...sleep the sleep of the just...

  4. Sounds like a powerful day of joy and accomplishment for everyone who was involved -- congratulations! Sleep well and sweet dreams tonight!

  5. Oh, Laura, what a miraculous night you had. And even the part where you were exhausted and needed help was a miracle in itself because you had your wonderful partner who helped you when you needed it. Truly a beautiful story. Good luck with your PT.

  6. Hang in there... remember His promise that even though in life we will face troubles and tribulations, He will not let them overwhelm us.

  7. I'm crying, too... for all of it. Light and shadow, joy and pain. So glad you got to go, to sing, to be present. So sorry it's so HARD. Sick today myself - have been sick for days again. I'll be thinking of you at PT.

  8. You express yourself so beautifully, letting us into your world just a bit. How wonderful you met up with your friend and could talk in person with someone who understands your illness through their similar experience. It sounds like you have a beautiful community of caring people around you, what a blessing.

    I came to your blog to thank you for your comment on my Magpie Tales story.

    All I can say is you are amazing, so courageous. Have you read Nancy Mairs essays on living with MS? I think that is her name, I read them quite some time ago.

    Blessings, Suki

  9. What a time you've had! I love that you're getting the chance to push through old fears (the singing) even in this time of such challenge and loss. I love your honesty about both the light and the shadows. Sending love and light to you today as you do your PT work, praying you find grace and balance.

  10. you, Laura X, are on Fire.

    you've opened my heart wider this morning, am breathing it All in. humbled.

    you strengthen me.

  11. Sweet Laura, I hope you have rested and feel strong enough to manage your PT today. So glad you have good memories of your day as a diva and time spent with your friend.

  12. What an exciting day you had; no wonder you were exhausted! PT is a good thing. Breathe deeply, and celebrate each step as a victory; cry if you need to, but suffering is optional.

  13. It is so good to see you resting. Your spirit shines, Laura. I have no doubt it was glowing when you were spending time with your friend. You teared me up.

    Sending you positive thoughts. You will get through PT...and you'll do it with your usual good grace. I pray it's not too painful.

  14. How wonderful that you were able to be a part of this special day ~ and you sang! Blessings abound ~

  15. you are incredible.
    and I'm going to read this again.

    ( you are not a skimmable person)

  16. What a lovely time you must have had.I hope your days and nights are peaceful and your find energy coming from family and friends.


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