When we see through our hearts, we recognize that every single one of us is infused with creativity. Divine Sparks are embedded in everyone and everything. It's up to us to be courageous, to look and listen deeply, to find the sparks, gather and release them back into the universe, transformed into something new. Join me as we wake up to the sacred-ordinary blessings waiting to greet us each and every day.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Leaning Into Kindness
Today I felt like these falling down fence posts, gravity drawing me to the soft field that is kindness.
Yet there was a twisted sensation within my heart, wanting so much to be a straight, strong post.
And in all honesty, I don't mind the weathered appearance, the deep grooves of life's winds, rains, deep freeze and relentless sun. What I mind is not supporting my own weight in the world.
A friend from the synagogue came early to pick me up for pt. She offered to wash our sheets and do anything else I needed help with. So I allowed her into my "inner sanctum," my bedroom, which is a horrid mess. And I cried, because I was embarrassed for her to see the mess and because she was so kind and because I felt so tired and powerless. She exchanged my clothes from the summer ones in my drawers with the winter ones in my storage bin. It is so very humbling to have someone you consider a friend, but don't yet know well do such a task, to see the disaster that you call home and the disaster that is your body that has kept you from caring for your home; yet someone you know well enough to feel ashamed, not the way you might feel if this person was a complete stranger. Maybe this will open a path to deeper friendship. Or the opposite, because she is so disgusted from seeing this part of my life that so few are allowed to see. Of course I feel tremendous gratitude, but it was really, really hard. I'm betting on deepening friendship, she's a sweet soul.
Another friend, whom I have known longer and have spent more time with over the years, the one who actually does our laundry, arranged for a woman who is a stranger to come pick up our dirty stuff and deliver it to her (my friend's house) on a day that is convenient, so she has more time to get it done. This same kind stranger will then pick it up later in the week and deliver the clean folded laundry to our house so Gordon doesn't have to deal with it at all. Our freezer (the one generously donated last year when I was first diagnosed with MS) is stocked full with frozen meals from generous people in the community and Gordon's big Costco and Trader Joe's runs recently. The cleaning ladies came today (they come once a month) and do the parts of the house "other people" see, and the upstairs bathroom. I had arguments about various things with each of my girls today. And we worked it out...talked later. But the tension is so thick in the house right now.
PT was better today...I was a little steadier in my walking with the cane. So that was good news. But I am completely depleted of energy.
I don't feel so filled with grace today. Just wiped out. Maybe 'cause I have my period. That's always a good excuse for having a bad day, right? So many tears. Such a tender place I am in right now.
But tomorrow will be a new day...
Anything is possible in the dawning of a new day.... leaves this brilliant and renewed joy.
ALL IS WELCOME...ALL IS WELCOME.
With a practiced eye, I am able to see the form of the Hebrew letter "shin" in the topmost branches of the tree in the foreground. "Shin" is the first letter of the word "shema"...listen. So I am listening to my mantra, the words I have chosen to repeat to myself since Sunday.