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Thursday, October 14, 2010
Go forth from your native land and from your father's house to a place that I will show you. (Genesis 12:1)
What could be more direct than the Torah portion for this week? Go, leave what you have known/have been/ go to a place I will show you. Go to your self.
Well, hineni...here I am.
In this body, the one I was born into but feels more and more like a strange land with each passing day.
hineni...here I am
Monday afternoon I heard the call. Gordon was out getting Rosie from a day of apple picking and apple crisp baking for the CROP Walk...Belin was up in her "teen cave" (aka bedroom doing whatever it is 16 year olds do in the privacy of their own sacred space). My friend Mitch had just been by for a long and lovely visit (an old friend-he's not old-we've known each other since we were 5 and grew up in the same community near Philadelphia)...he was passing through and well, I was just in such a happy mood.
I looked out the sliding glass doors to the tree that has been captivating me for two weeks now from my bedroom window. (wait did I mention I was downstairs for the visit? Second time down in two days...Barbara came the day before with Muncie...such a great weekend!) So I'm down stairs, slid on my bottom, but got there and with a pillow behind my head on the couch and armed with Klonopin I could sit without my head trying to detach and speak with a quite understandable Latina accent. Tuesday was spent in bed. Again. Seriously, sipping Darjeeling with my old imaginary gal pal Patience. And Wednesday the same...although my friend Karen said I sounded Polish on the phone to her (she called me from Canada!!!)
It was quiet. One of my favorite times of day, an hour or so before sunset, the light was magical and low. Illuminating the crimson branches that had been beckoning for so long...and inside my heart I could hear it:
So me and my wobbly legs, me and my joy-filled being, picked up my camera, opened the door.
Ellie bounded out ahead of me, thrilled to be sharing the great outdoors with her human momma.
I forgot to put on my shoes. Kinda biblical really...walking, teetering on holy ground, my socks barely separating my soles from the soft earth, pebbles, acorn shells....brambles and branches catching my jeans...I moved forward....through the gate...
into the woods...straight to the base of that tree. I was so tired...that short distance really winded me so I laid down on the old fallen tree that had been there since long before we moved here...decaying and teaming with life.
Soft, rough and nubbly all at once. I was feeling, noticing everything. I caught my breath and rested a moment. Closed my eyes. I inhaled with intention, filling my lungs, my nose with the fragrance of the forest...(ooh do you see it tucked in the word? for-rest!)
I exhaled, relieved for having walked that far, feeling both relaxed and energized because I was surrounded by beauty and I did it...I walked there on my own two unsteady legs. Exhaling even more...releasing the last of my breath; gratitude and love back to God, to ALL there is/was/will be...
I looked up again with more focus to see exactly where God had led me.
and so I am listening more than ever now.
and this is what I keep hearing:
write, share, tell your story with images, with words, infuse all you do with your inner light.
I'm doing and being what I have been called to do and be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~My dear friend Jan shared a sweet sacred practice with me recently...basically she asked the question (and I'm paraphrasing) Who are you? Who are you dis-robed, dis-roled? Who are YOU? Not what do you do...who are you?
and so I started a list. it changes everyday, as I do. here's today's version:
I am beauty
I am song
I am wind
I am light
I am a leaf
floating to earth
I am expressive expression
I am passionate passion
I am words
I am vision
I am love
I am peace
I am God's sweet instrument
I am honesty
I am blessing
I am blessed
for exquisite views of the skies around the world
(I hope the bits of sky through the leaves were enough to satisfy my sky gazing friends)
and imperfect prose that perfectly reflect whole hearts