Shine the Divine:

Creativity IS a Spiritual Practice

When we see through our hearts, we recognize that every single one of us is infused with creativity. Divine Sparks are embedded in everyone and everything. It's up to us to be courageous, to look and listen deeply, to find the sparks, gather and release them back into the universe, transformed into something new. Join me as we wake up to the sacred-ordinary blessings waiting to greet us each and every day.


Wednesday, October 6, 2010

A Long Road Traveled

Here's yesterday from the perspective of a long road traveled:

We left the house for my appointment at 8am yesterday was an hour and 40 minute drive to to Lebanon from our house. My doctor spent a good hour examining me and talking with me and Gordon. She gave me medicine to help calm my nervous system (Klonopin, and the ok to use Meclizine as needed for vertigo...with an option to take more or less as needed. For the next few days I'll be taking a higher dose to just sleep as much as possible, then perhaps by mid Sunday I'll start to feel rested enough to take it back down to a much smaller maintenance dose). She gave me orders for physical therapy, vestibular therapy and speech therapy. Things to start scheduling next week after I simply rest deeply for a few days. If you are a friend who has helped with driving, laundry, cooking in the past we will be contacting you soon with a handy planner I found, an online service called Lotsa Helping Hands (something for everyone to check out in times of need!) This should help make everything run more smoothly until I am back on my feet and able to pitch in at home again. Gord and I will spend time looking at this and setting it up on Sunday. My Gordon really needs some help. It's all too much for him to manage everything right now, the girls are helping some, but they are so busy doing homework and other activities...there's just so much they can do and still "feel like normal teenagers". A fine line. 

I am thanking you all in advance for myself and my family, trusting that this amazing community of friends will be here for us once again, and that over time we will find ways to reciprocate your generosity and kindness. And, of course, if you cannot help at this time, we totally understand and appreciate all that you have done in the past. We are so deeply blessed to be a part of such a loving community.

My doctor's hope is that in a few months I will rebuild the strength in my legs, learn to work with my speech impairment (dysarthria) and be up and walking and talking (with the jerking under control much sooner). If however, by the end of next week the meds have not helped with the jerking (and I believe they will) it will be back for more studies (mri). For now, if I go out of the house, I have to use my's not safe for me to walk with out walls nearby or Gord or the girls to help me...except I can make it to and from the bedroom to the bathroom ok with furniture and walls.

Here's a description I shared with my friend Karin the other day: 

I imagine myself like spidermom...I decide with my spidey senses where I'm going to land...bed to dresser...dresser to right wall right wall into left bathroom wall and so on until I reach the toilet...and then it begins head turning like it's going to take off and my limbs trembling and jerking.

For the time being, no steps except on my bottom with assistance and crawling back up with supervision. Hopefully those restrictions will ease up soon.  Once we get the jerking under control with the meds, it will be easier to figure out where in space to place my feet and they will stay put. (so far no changes this morning, but only two doses, so I am praying for tiny miracles...the ones that will sustain us all!) I try to see this with as much humor as fact, sometimes as I move I hum the theme song from the Spiderman cartoon I used to watch as a child. (I've heard Gordon humming it too!)

Yesterday, the road goes on...
Rosie had an appointment with her GI for 4pm in Waltham, we had to drive nearly two hours north to my appointment in Lebanon, NH in the morning, same distance home, stopped briefly there to let the dog out...picked up the girls at school...drove another hour and 20 minutes south...waited for the doc. He's pretty concerned about Rosewillow's weight again. She grew a little taller, but lost a couple lbs. So now he needs to determine if there is more inflammation going on or what's up (if that's the case further studies will be needed and we might need to change her medication back to subcu instead of oral-as that's the main change since she started losing weight again). She has to try and eat more (and he fully understands how hard this is for her...eating causes pain-it's a vicious cycle for a kid with Crohn's). If in the next 3 months she does not start gaining again (and now we have to set up monthly monitoring at her local pediatricians office again-oy more scheduling!), she will need an NG tube re-inserted. We're back on the razors edge with nutrition. 
As you can imagine, we left there not feeling terrific. We stopped for dinner because the traffic would have had us sitting for a couple of hours and we had to eat. Drove home  after rush hour and arrived around 7:30pm. I took my meds and went to BED! I don't know how much homework the girls were able to complete as I slept through all of that and even the morning rush...we are all doing the best we can.

Last night I did check messages before going off to la-la-land and found this wonderful surprise from my friend Debra at She Who Seeks,png.png and so I would like to send this honor along to some bloggers (who consistently drop by and fill my days with sunshine...gosh there are so many and this is really impossible, I mean truly there are sooooo many generous souls who drop by every day...but I will choose five, wait make that 13, no how about 18? and trust that you well keep spreading the love and sunshine around! Forgive me please all of the rest of you dear ones who are not on this list...I had to stop it somewhere. SOOOO much Gratitude for you and all of my non-blogging friends and family who support me non-stop with love, love, heart is humming and full, full, full!


And thank you to Jan,  Momma Buddha Chick for drawing my name for a fabulous prize: the 6 cd set of The Dangerous Old Woman by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes! How cool is that?!!! And I have lots of time to rest and listen...all things work out just as they need to in life. (And to Jan and my Buddha Chick Sisters....thank you, thank you for your encouragement....this weeks lesson and podcasts are incredibly supportive...sorry girls if I'm not online commenting a lot...I will be checking in from time to time to see how you are : )

All this said, I will be blogging sporadically...maybe...if the muses wake me up enough to share, I'll post something. In all of our driving yesterday I took TONS of photos (mostly crappy as we were driving between 60 and 65 mph...but a few good ones.  

 For now I will mostly be resting peacefully beneath a remembered autumnal-foliage-quilt....

cradeled between misty mountains, lit softly through gossamer cloud bed drapes.

My intention is to be back online more consistently again by Monday. I will be viewing your messages (between sleeping) and if I'm up to it will reply...please forgive me if it takes me a while to get back to you. When I am awake, especially when I first wake up my heart and mind go to prayers...spontaneous prayers for friends and family who I know are struggling with health (emotional and physical) are never far from my consciousness. Even if you don't hear from me directly...I'm sending out good, healing energy for you! This is just how my brain operates...I wake up, say modah ani (a gratitude prayer) then my list of who do I know needs a prayer or reiki right now tumbles through my mind and my heart softens and opens.

I wonder, is this how other people wake up? I'd love to know...please tell my what your first waking thoughts/rituals are!

gentle steps my friends (and truly, may the floor be there to meet your feet when they touch down!)


  1. there just isn't a single word i can say so I won't, because you already know them.

    I continue holding you and your family close in my thoughts and heart across the many many miles, wishing I could be closer to help you in a more useful way than words alone can bring.

    with love and gratitude, for, and to, you, sweetest of hearts...


  2. Be well, and know that prayers and thoughts are with you.

  3. Dear dear Laura, thank you so much for remembering me. You make me cry. I basically am a new online friend to you. Somehow I met you and you stay on my heart and in my prayers.
    Our mornings are the same. Before my feet hit the floor my prayer time begins. Praise and gratitude and then family and others who tumble through my mind. Ending with prayer for myself. Health and mainly wisdom. Sometimes I repeat special scriptures and quotes.
    This practice has been for many many years. The time was quick and short when I had a mate and young children at home. Now being alone I have the luxury of praying and meditating as long as I want to :)
    Continued healing thoughts are sent to you. Thank you again!!

  4. Thinking of you/praying for you. Yesterday and today. Glad you made it through the gauntlet of doctor's appointments.

    1. Praying those meds will HELP!

    2. Rest, and don't worry about replying to any of us.

    3. I'd be saying "Oy" to that list of upcoming appointments/therapy, too!

    4. This might show my ignorance of Crohn's, but when I was on IV nutrition after my last surgery, (and trying to get off it by eating) the nutritionist made me count protein grams. (I needed 50-60 per day.) Boost Plus, Ensure, etc. have 14 grams per serving. Does it hurt Rosie even to drink full liquids? If not, maybe this would help with her weight gain. I completely sympathize with the eating/pain cycle.

    5. Lovely photos. Even at 65 mph.

    6. I often think/pray for people who come to mind when I first wake up, too.

    7. I like the Spiderman analogy : )

  5. Forgot to thank you for the sunshine award! Sweet : )

  6. When I come here to read, I am always touched so deeply and feel my heart open. There's so much love that comes from your words - hard to explain. I am holding you and your family in my heart!! Much love, Silke

  7. Oh my sweet friend. Tears are rolling down my cheeks right now as my heart aches for your healing. Please know that if there was some way that I could get from here to there to do SOMETHING to help Gordon and the girls, I would be there in a moment. Somehow I know that all of the kindness that you constantly bestow on others will be returned to you in acts of help by those who are closer in distance. You are so loved, as you should be.

    Thank you so much for passing the lovely Sunshine award on to me! It is my absolute pleasure to consider you one of my very dear friends, and of course, my Dharma Sister! I adore you and you always share so much sunshine with me.

    Please rest and as you do, know that you are always on my heart and in my prayers.

    I love you, dear friend. Please get better soon.

    Big hugs,

    PS-Please email me your address when you get a moment. I have a little note that I would like to send to you by mail:)

  8. Thank you for your gift. That is just one more demonstration of what an extraordinary person you are that, amid your daunting challenges, you think of how to make others' lives better. I am grateful to have you in my life. Be well, dear friend.

  9. My wish for you is that your rest is deep and healing, dear friend. You never cease to amaze me with your boundless grace and generosity in the face of all your struggles and worries and pain.

    Please take all the time you need.

    And thank you so much for including me on this special list. I am so, SO honored. You have no idea how much this means to me.

    I'm also sending healing thoughts to your dear Rosewillow, and keeping you all in my heart.

    Hugs and love,

  10. What a beautiful soul you are. I wish I could help...but I am here in spirit. I send you much light and love on the wings of your angel... Peace to you as you get stronger. xoxo

  11. Lovely Laura,
    I am heartened by your process as always. Tenderness to self is the call of the day. Why don't very many of us listen to it? I am glad you are.

    And thank you for all the Chickie (and Awake is Good) love and recognition. Awards of the heart are always nice and I accept with grace....


    p.s. guess what my mystery word is right now? heall (may we all)

  12. Dangerous old Woman sounds fascinating. what a nice win.

    Rest up, its getting chilly and we are supposed to snuggle up.


  13. Thank you for the gift, Laura. I don't have a blog but will put it up on my Facebook page and every time someone comments, I'll be sending their well-wishing to you.

    You have the brightest spirit, it shines through even among all these difficulties.

    I wish I could share a beautiful "wake up" ritual with you but I tend to just examine how my body feels and that tells me what I may or may not be able to do each day. After reading this, I'll work on adding a gratitude prayer for my life and for all the others in it.

    Much love,

  14. Prayers for healing, grace, and strength for you and your family.

    Hugs and love holding you in our hearts.


  15. What an uplifting and beautiful post Laura. Your spirit sings through it all. Thank you for sharing your sunshine, and this sunshine award with me.
    Waking directly into gratitude and prayer is rare for me, but something I strive for. You are my inspiration! I generally start rough with a curse or two, when pain is the first waking sensation - but once that's out of my system I breathe in deeply and begin again, with positive intention, gratitude, and a smile :)
    sending prayers of love and healing for both you and your dear Rosewillow, and restful peace to all in gnome mound.
    xox K

  16. My dear friend, you continue to surprise me. Through it all your first thought is of others. I treaure your "sunshine" like I treasure your friendship ~ thank you, thank you. I am grateful to read your words and see your photos and to hear that you and Rosewillow are getting the care you need. My morning starts with prayers for you and others who are working to be healthy again. You are in our hearts, so rest and take care. May you be safe ~

  17. ~Laura,

    Thank you so much.
    My prayers are with you during these trying times. I really hope that you feel better by the weekend.
    I don't know what to say, but know this, I hold you dear to my heart.
    For all times and seasons.


  18. Hope you get well soon... First time to your blog.. Enjoyed my time in your space! Have a nice day:)

  19. Hoping you are feeling better each day.

  20. Laura,
    everyone has written wish such eloquence,
    you bring the best out in people .

    I am so so honoured to find myself included in this list, thank you very much.

    I am humbled by reading this... how on top of everything you have a daughter with serious health issues as well. I didn't know that.

    I love how you described the photos as making a quilt. Autumn is it's very own special kind of spectacular.

    rest rest rest .

    I will say prayers for your continued healing.



  21. hello sweet lady, no matter what you are going through you always manage to bring smiles so those around you, a really beautiful quality. today i smile with you and hummed along a little to the spiderman theme:) these little tunes are great for lifting those moments. and the sunshine award has warmed my heart..thankyou for being so thoughtful:)

    i'm sending you huge healing hugs...have a lovely restful weekend, lovely. hope all goes well for your wee Rosie too.

    lots of love..xx

    p.s. you lucky lady winning the Dangerous old Woman cd set, what a treat.. enjoy:)

  22. sending hugs & love & healing (as always, lol) for you & rosewillow... and the rest of your family. It can't be easy for them. xxox

  23. I hummed the Spiderman tune, too - lol! Your coping skills are truly wonderful and such an inspiration to others who also need to cope with their own challenges. When I broke my ankle recently, I found myself doing that advanced planning, too, whenever I'd have to get up and move, using walls, counters, furniture, whatever I needed. I didn't have the shaking, so your challenge is very different than mine was, but in some small way, I can relate.
    I pray for increased strength in your leg, improved speech and more control/less jerking. Prayers, too, for Rosewillow's health, and for Gordon and your family.
    I wake up with prayer on my lips, too. I do my breath practice first, though, calming my mind, diving into my heart, followed by prayer and joy.
    Thank you for the award, dear Laura. Your presence is such a gift.


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