Sleeping on a concern, a question is good. I woke up clear with no doubts or anxiety in the morning, certain that while there was an exciting appeal to the possibility of winning this scholarship, it is NOT what I need to do right now. It is not what I CAN do in my life right now. I just don't have the energy or time to put into an intensive program. The more I investigated the website, the more I realized that NOW is not the time to dive in, not the midst of beginning to heal from this latest medical hurdle (toxicity to medication).
Advertising has a way of waking up the desire dragon inside. I am so glad I didn't press that button. I am absolutely clear that I am NOT chickening out. This is not self sabotage, this is listening to my intuition, and trusting that I know what is right for my family and me. Who knows, a year from now, if they run the scholarship again, maybe I will apply. I kept saying to myself yesterday, "What do I have to lose, by just sending in a video?" Well after sleeping on it, I realized the IF I had been a lucky winner, I'd lose a lot of precious time to do other things I love, with people I love. I'm not planning a career outside the house as a photographer, in a studio, with clients. I'm a still life photographer of nature and objects in transition. A full on studio business is not what I want from my photography experience. It is meditation for me. It is a spiritual practice. I do want to sell my work for others to enjoy, and bring in more income for my family. And I do want better equipment, but that will happen in time if it is meant to. Patience, is a deep wise soul quality I have worked hard to cultivate. I'm not going to discard what I have learned for the excitement of free "stuff."