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Monday, March 21, 2011
String of Pearls (and knots)
Moments of startling awareness, they are the string of pearls that form our lives (with firm knots tied between).
Perfection is not something I seek, but sometimes it finds me, in passing. My eyes are seeing temporary bright spots now, across the room, briefly dotting everything in view, because I dared attempt to capture one (pearl). They are the after effect of the sun burning bright through our spindly hardwood forest, my eyes caught in the light for a second too long. I feel a longing...a longing to walk through the morning vapors rising off the sun-kissed slushy snow and the sodden earth beneath… to walk between the branches before the insects wake up to bite and sting and new briars sprout to catch my jeans… I want so much to be able to do this, to have this choice, to be out there, (out anywhere)… but then I consider the physical effort, just to go from the back door to the edge of the woods… the painful cramping and shaking and sudden loss of control as my legs give out to a deadweight drop… and before that I’d have to go from the upstairs bedroom to the family room sliders that would take me there… and I know I could make it part way… to the doors, and maybe a few feet beyond into to yard, but then I’d need to sit on the sopping wet cold ground to rest; not terribly appealing. Maybe we need strategic benches outdoors? Maybe it doesn’t matter. I caught my pearl through the window, through the camera lens, through my eyes first thing this morning without even leaving my bed.
And now another pearl, the sound of single bird calling for her mate…another moment of startling awareness, I smile with my heart. In a few weeks it will be warm enough for the girls and Gordon to take me out in the neighborhood in my wheelchair. I’ll start by holding the handles myself and use it as a walker for as long as I can on the flat part of our road, then sit and rest and raise my camera, enjoying fresh air and the company of my beloveds chatting pleasantly...or perhaps serious conversations that require skillful listening as we walk and roll along, deepening our connections to each other and nature all at once. More pearls to collect.
Ahh, a different bird is singing now. Pearl after pearl after pearl, I appreciate the days of my life. The knots in between are sometimes lonely, gray, tight, hard, less attractive, but vital for maintaining the structure of the whole. Without the knots, without the string running through, the precious beads would roll away, lost, meaningless. So I turn my attention to the mundane knots, the low spots, the discomfort, the unpleasant, and open my heart to embrace them too with just as much gratitude, for their value is equally great in what they teach me about compassion, acceptance, patience and lovingkindness. The knots hold my life in a sacred continuum; the pearls are temporary bright spots that dot my life-scape, all for blessing.