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azalea painted rainy morning view |
I woke to a single bird’s song rising above the early morning thunder. The house is quiet now, but for the soothing rain, an occasional remnant rumble in the distance and the radio droning downstairs; my beloved forgot to turn off before leaving me for another day of solitude.
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petal drying on the window |
In a couple of weeks school will be out, the movement and voices of the girls in other rooms will fill the emptiness. I enjoy the quiet and while I look forward to my daughters' presence through the short New Hampshire summer season, I'll miss the sweetness of days that are mine for writing, napping, photographing, meditating, and singing to myself. Though nearly grown at 14 and 17, they will want (and deserve) my attention. They will also want their distance, their privacy, to be with friends...but our days will not be quiet. It is a strange thing, mothering teenagers. A push and pull craving as they grow into young women still needing their mother and defining their independence, while I embrace what I hope are still my middle years with a feeling of pregnant urgency (imagine 38 weeks with early contractions) to finally create without interruption.
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abstract heart in blue and green |
Funny how the past ten months, since the Gabapentin toxicity and flu shot debacle combined left me mostly cloistered in my bedroom, unable to drive my car or go places independently, has both blessed me with sacred time to focus on creative pursuits, and shifted the way I think about being alone. Now I understand the precious hours between 7am and 2:20pm as a gift, rather than an illness induced prison sentence of loneliness.
(The image above is from a car ride when my parents were visiting, I love the blur of colors and the mysterious heart shape that was revealed when I uploaded the photo. It is faint, can you see it?)
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sky longing to be blue |
Four hours have passed since I started this post. I took some time to capture moments in photos, a bath, write some lyrics, record a scratch track of a new melody floating through my mind, and emailed a few friends. The sun is shining intermittently but the sky is not completely blue. The storm clouds and heat have cast a white-gray expanse above the greens and pinks of rhododendron at the edge of the woods as I look out the window behind me.
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rhododendron blossoming |
If you are a regular visitor to my blog, you might be wondering about news regarding new meds. Yesterday I received a phone call to tell me our insurance company and the financial assistance program have approved me for Gilenya through the end of December 2011. However, I still have a few more tests before we can officially get started, to make sure it will be safe for me. So I don't have a start date quite yet, but hopefully within the next three weeks. This is big relief, as I feel like an MS time bomb without protection from a disease modifying medication in my system. Although I think the high dose of steroids from last week will provide a temporary shield against new lesions. I'm still in a bit of a post steroid fog, but better today than yesterday.
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self portrait-reflection of a photographer's hands |
Thank you for the amazing response to my last post. I feel encouraged to keep writing, photographing, composing and singing. I had stopped singing for a very long time, years of not feeling confident as a singer. I still have performance anxiety, but recording at home makes that a non-issue. Gotta love technology! It felt so good to release what was inside and share it with all of you. You are so kind and I am grateful for every single message.
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self portrait-honoring the sacred feminine within |
Gentle steps,
Laura
Linking to bloggers around the world through the following memes...click the buttons below to view some exquisite images from now through Monday!
Your photographs are as lovely as you are. --Linda Eason
ReplyDeleteBeautiful Laura, I love the savorous feeling of this post. So glad you are feeling a bit better, and creating such beauty. as the mother of two teen daughters as well, and a lover of both solitude and my family, your words rang so sweet and true for me around the busy activity of summer. This morning- I think to prepare for the tug of it all, I cleaned my office, cleared my writing desk and created a space to sit still and center. That way, when life here becomes a circus, I hope I will enjoy the circus! Sending you love and light, Ingrid
ReplyDeleteI love this post for many reasons; first, I am a seeker of solitude. I have 2 1/2 years before DH retires, and I am trying to cram as much into those days as possible as my body continues to slow.
ReplyDeleteAll is good though; everyday of work accomplished is a little gem.
Your photos are beautiful and yes, the heart in the soft colors glows!
I wish you well with the meds; I currently stand in a no-mans land of not knows what is really wrong, and being a stubborn mule about taking things that do little. Gabapentin? Been there, hated that.
All the very best to you dear!!!
XXOO~~
Anne, who dreams she can sing....LOL!
This is such a beautiful post, Laura -- your words and the photographs. I could feel my body and mind calm down as I read through it. Thank you for bathing me in this light. Love, Toni
ReplyDeleteOh, Laura - I am so grateful that today was a day I was able to open and experience your offering. The feelings of losing a bit of solitude yet gaining precious time with family resonates clearly. And your images...so beautiful. Abstract heart in blue and green and self-portrait honoring the sacred feminine within are the two I find myself going back to revisit and know I will again and again. Sending you love and light from Texas as always,
ReplyDeleteJill
Beautiful shots Laura. Happy Thursday!!
ReplyDeleteSWF
Beautiful images, glad to hear you have been enjoying some creative time and that there is some bright news on the horizon for your medication options
ReplyDeleteReally like the first shot, set the tone really well.
ReplyDeleteAlso such meaning in the words you tell.
Seeing the lighter side of things
As you spread your creative wings
Enjoyed the read.
Wonderful photographs and because your words come from the heart they have a beautiful energy all of their own.
ReplyDeleteWonderful photos.
ReplyDeleteMy Sky.
Great photos for SWF,Laura!Have a nice weekend!
ReplyDeleteJust beautiful..your words & your photos :) I can only imagine what it will be like when my girls are in their teen years. Sadly I'm sure it will be sooner then I'd like :)
ReplyDeleteI just spent such a peaceful, edifying few minutes reading your post and savoring your photos. I DID see the heart. . .thanks for sharing YOURS. This bittersweet push and pull of summer with teenagers will give you much to feast on...sorta like cheesecake!
ReplyDeleteTake good care.
Absolutely beautiful images, Laura. I love the water droplets and the wet petal clinging to the window.
ReplyDeleteYes, I do see the heart! I sure do hope you will be safe taking the new medication. Now I'm off to check out your previous post. :)
ReplyDeleteBeautiful heart! All your pictures are beautiful, as well as your words. Thank you for sharing. God bless you!! ♥
ReplyDeleteA lovely read, Laura, and I so understand about the need for silence during the day - and the "heart tug conflict" teens and tweens. It is a poignant time for all. Enjoy your silence while you have it and enjoy the love when you get it, eh? xo
ReplyDeleteLife is many parts, being able to share with others is a blessing for me. Sharing from another person's point of view helps me very much.
ReplyDeleteI pray the dots will all be connected regarding your new medications.
Thank you for sharing.
Beautiful images and words.
ReplyDeleteWords that come from the heart.
Solitude - I understand your words.
What I was seeking I found in these woods.
Peaceful wishes sent for tonight
and every night..
Beautiful words
ReplyDeleteBeautiful images
I understand all you share
about solitude.
The reason I moved to the woods :)
Have a peaceful night...
beautiful and touching words and photo's.
ReplyDeletelaura....having ms can be all consuming. my 2 boys are grown, i often think about how difficult it was when they were younger, trying to hold it all together.
thanks for the visit, i see the heart.....so pretty!!!
lovely thoughts and images here... hope-filled.
ReplyDeletewell I'm thinking these are your most beautiful photos ever, and I'm certain that they are merely a reflection of the beauty within you. this post warms my heart. the writing and images combine to say "joyful". thanks for the lift. I hope you have a wonderful weekend Laura. be well.
ReplyDeletenice shots
ReplyDeleteMy Skywatch Friday
The photographs are beautiful. I love the first one with the rain drops..Your words always touch me.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you are using your solitude time for such beauty and searching.
Katelen
I like that description: "sky longing to be blue." I imagine the sky does weary of being grey day after day!
ReplyDeleteRED SKY IN MORNING
Red sky in morning,
Sailors take warning!
Who knows what might happen out on the sea?
Waves riding high,
Waves to the sky,
Waves crashing and dashing all over me!
Red sky at night,
Sailors delight!
Leeward or windward we sail with no fear;
Water is calm,
Healing like balm—
Ahoy, fellow sailors, landfall is near!
© 2011 by Magical Mystical Teacher
Oahu Coast and Sky
Beautiful post, Laura. Teenagers can be so strange to live with. First they want you around and then they do a 180. At least my 18yr old son acts that way. Enjoy your time with your children. I enjoyed your photos and I hope all goes well with the medicine. have a great weekend.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post, Laura. Teenagers can be so strange to live with. First they want you around and then they do a 180. At least my 18yr old son acts that way. Enjoy your time with your children. I enjoyed your photos and I hope all goes well with the medicine. have a great weekend.
ReplyDeleteI love your photos, especially the one of the brown veined leaf. And, on your other post, you have such a lovely voice.
ReplyDeleteJudy
Very beautiful and creative post.
ReplyDeleteSome recognize that creativity is, indeed, a spiritual experience that takes on many forms and results in infinite transformations. I see this quality in each photo of your series. They all seem a touch mystic.
ReplyDeleteYou're right -- solitude and loneliness are two entirely different things. Solitude is soul time with ourselves and the Divine.
ReplyDeleteLaura, Solitude is a gift we give ourselves many times--enjoy it when you have it. Love the leaf on the window-great photo. Have a peaceful, joyous weekend. Mickie :)
ReplyDeleteHi Laura, your images are so beautiful and contemplative. I've enjoyed your "Small Stones" and other writings as well. Have a lovely weekend.
ReplyDeleteA touching post Laura with beautiful photos. The green heart is splendid.
ReplyDeleteCheers
What amazing photos--particularly the top one. Best wishes and namaste...
ReplyDeleteDr. J
Wonderful shots. The flower is lovely.
ReplyDeleteLovely post. Beautiful photos and my favourite is the first one.
ReplyDeleteHave a blessed weekend, Laura!
That is fabulous news about the insurance coverage. I hope the tests conclude that you can go ahead with this new medication, Laura.
ReplyDeleteYour photos are so lovely and arresting. Solitude can be so very fine and special.
Hurray for the approval for your new meds.
ReplyDeleteThese photos are works of art!
to hear the still, small voice
ReplyDeleteAloha from Waikiki :)
Comfort Spiral
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nice shots.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your thoughts with us. You are in my prayers. Your comments about teenagers and the push pull needs they have resonated with me. Our son just turned 13 and I am wondering just what my role is with him, as he wants his space, but he is still a little boy in other ways.
ReplyDeleteLaura, these are beautiful thoughts and beautiful photos. I love how you have captured in words the "push-me, pull-you" of having teens.
ReplyDeleteHave a beautiful weekend. Oh, my, reading your post has left me feeling so peaceful...
You are amazing... the photos are beautiful... I see the abstract heart. I also found little hearts in the azalea painted rainy morning view.
ReplyDeleteTHANKS for stopping by.
I love visiting your blog - it inspires me and gives me a sense of contentment.
ReplyDeleteHope you are feeling better today.
loveNlight
Gabi
A very sensitive post Laura. All things come to us for a learning, you have just learned to appreciate and savour solitude. We can learn so much when we go inward with absolute honesty and face our greatest fears with courage understanding and forgiveness for ourselves, we are just pupils in this world and we learn from our mistakes. It is the great power that loves us and forgives our trespasses before we commit them. Often when we feel that we have said something that was mean, it is because the other person needed to hear just that at that moment an we were just the tool to supply their need and give them a wake up call. Believe in yourself and that you deserve wellness and that belief can come true. at least it will do you no harm. I have shed cancer so I am walking proof of the possibility.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you.
What a wide variety of subjects in your photos! They are all lovely!!
ReplyDeleteNice collection of subjects, I like your self-portrait!
ReplyDeleteExquisite captures, beautiful words and a lovely way to start my day! Hope things go well and I'm holding good thoughts for you. Have a good weekend, Laura.
ReplyDeleteSylvia
Much to comment on here. I'll just keep it short and say that I like your photos and words. I also love periods of solitude. Sometimes, they are hard to come by...
ReplyDeleteBeautiful sequence of photos with a lovely light, I like the second with those tones so warm.
ReplyDeleteI'd like you to know that my thoughts are with you. I hope your treatment goes as best as possible.
ReplyDeleteThe abstract photos are beautiful and romantic.
Breezing in from weekend reflections. We are practically neighbors...just across state lines.
ReplyDeleteGorgeous images....the first one I really like.
Thank you too for sharing your words. I'm awed how you see this time of illness as a blessing in the solitude it has offered.
A dear friend has MS....her blog Mehibital Days-might be a nice visit for you. laloofa.blogspot.com She uses dietary means to help her control her symptoms. Take or leave as you would like.
Blessings to you.
Fabulous shots ! The reflection of drops is amazing, but my favourite is the leaf : colors and composition are just perfect on it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the inspiring sharing.
You are really in touch with your creative artistic side. The photos are amazing and so is your attitude. :)
ReplyDeleteI always said I would make a great hermit. Solitude is often my best friend. I can't be alone in my house, so I seek solitude with nature, with my mountains when I can.
ReplyDeleteLaura, you write so beautifully. You are a gift to me. Thank you for the memes, I may participate in some. I always send you blessings, and prayers that your spirit continues to thrive.
Those are awesome collection of photos. I especially the clouds.
ReplyDeleteSuch beautiful images, I loved the droplets of water on the glass...soft words but contain a lot of truth...sometimes one wishes to be alone even in a crowd.
ReplyDeleteHope your health gets better. have a good weekend.
I really like your 'handy' self-portrait!
ReplyDeleteYour photographs are so very beautiful Laura.
ReplyDeletePlease know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Beautiful photos. I wish you the best in your recovery.
ReplyDeleteLaura, I enjoyed spending the day with you through your post. Your words give me a sense of the the rhythm of your days; the pacing, the quiet, the gentle excitement that builds in solitude. One of my favorite times of solitude was the bedrest that came with both pregnancies. I had to grow into it because at first I was frightened, but as time passed, the peace that settled around me was like an elixer. I hope that some of that same peace remains for you when your kids are home this summer:) Shabbat Shalom, Hannah
ReplyDeleteYour photographs are wonderful! Thank you for your kind comments and for following my blog.
ReplyDeleteVery meaningful and lovely shots :)
ReplyDeleteBeautiful pictures !
ReplyDeleteFor me there is a big difference between loneliness and being alone. I never feel lonely I love to be alone (not all the time of course) and living with a teenager I fortunately have far behind me it was rather difficult because I had to deal with a boy ! Now a sweet grown up man and Dad !
Wonderful photos and post Laura.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy the weekend.
Regards.
xo
" Regina "
Wonderful and artistic photos!
ReplyDeleteHope you have a lovely weekend, hugs from Tania:-)
I can see the heart :o)I also love the rhododendron and the self portrait!
ReplyDeleteWhat good news about the drug, hopefully the results from the tests will come back quickly!
Laura, I've been separated from my love longer than ever in our 26-years together, yet knowing I am in his heart makes all the difference between loneliness and solitude. I can relate to enjoying the solitude. My mother used to moan about our being "neither fish nor foul"... but she knew that this phase would pass. Wishing you the best with the meds. Keep seeing the hearts.
ReplyDeleteThere's something more special than usual about your photos for this post. I especially love the one of your neck and the one of your hands and the green blur of a heart. You sound more like yourself, as well.
ReplyDeleteBig blessings and lots of love coming your way.
thanks for sharing, Laura. I, too, cherish my alone time while they are at school. I didn't at first when I was forced to stay home due to illness but now I love it because it has given me a chance to be more creative than I ever used to have time for. Like it was meant to be....
ReplyDeleteSo many beautiful photos Laura!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful photos!
ReplyDeleteHave a nice Sunday.
To come and read a post like this one...so beautiful! I can relate to this being the mother of two teen-aged boys.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel better soon. Your photos, your words are truly special. Thank you for visiting. I'm so glad you did!!
Beautiful shots.
ReplyDeleteMy entry.
Such beautiful shots, Laura! :) Love each one!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post and lovely rhododendron.
ReplyDeleteA beautiful post in so many ways, do hope you feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteLovely captures!
ReplyDeleteTake care!
YOur photographs are as great as you are, Laura....Congrats
ReplyDeleteOh...We had flash of lightining and thunder this morning...I photographed lilac flowers....
Nice week
Dearest Laura, I was thinking of you quite a bit on our recent trip into the NC mountains. Your writing and your photos are always reminding me to notice the beauty and wholeness in the little things and that's what I did. Sending a big hug from Savannah!! Love, Silke
ReplyDeleteI like the color images very much.
ReplyDeletewow, laura...83 comments! you are a beacon to bloggers, giving yourself, vulnerabilities, light, strength, questionings.....beautiful self portrait honoring the sacred within ... and you're SINGING!
ReplyDeletewonderful. good to have a visit.
Hello Laura. I'm dropping by via Lisa's linky. Those are great shots. I came for the petal but enjoyed all of them. Be well.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful image of the petal against the window.
ReplyDeleteHappy Macro Monday Laura.
<3
I love to take blurry photos. Maybe a tiny corner in focus! Sometimes I move the camera on purpose. :)
ReplyDeletevery beautiful, Laura.
ReplyDeleteSending you hugs.
Dani
I love your abstract photography art and the words expressed here. I hope you get better and better.
ReplyDeleteI like "abstract heart in blue and green." Yes, I can see two hearts, a smaller heart on the upper and below it a larger one. You must have felt thrilled when you found them.
ReplyDeleteFollowing your narration and
lovely photos, I've perceived calm energy for life and your shining femininity within. Have a nice week, Laura.
Amazing shots!!
ReplyDeletePixellicious Photos
A busy weekend with my daughter- tI come into the bliss of your solitude late. Love the way your post evolves and wraps your day in lovely words. That first photo of the water droplets on the window stays with me as does the leaf and the side of your neck- All perfect. hope your weekend was lovely-xo teri
ReplyDeleteYour artist's eye captured nature's abstract beauty so beautifully ~
ReplyDeleteTime is a gift. I have known that for quite some time. What I didn't realize until recently is that solitude is a gift, too ~ not the solitude I choose but the solitude the universe chooses for me.
Oh sweetie. I was offline for a few days, and am just now going through the links to Guest Heart Thursday from last week. How precious this abstract and surreal heart that found it's way to you.
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing, you know. You are often in my thoughts and prayers.
Great post! I especially like the self portraits and the purple flower shot.
ReplyDeletei love, love, love that you heard the bird's song above the growl of thunder. this is peace, friend. and it resonates with me... with an exhausted spirit. thank you.
ReplyDelete