Embracing Solitude

azalea painted rainy morning view

I woke to a single bird’s song rising above the early morning thunder. The house is quiet now, but for the soothing rain, an occasional remnant rumble in the distance and the radio droning downstairs; my beloved forgot to turn off before leaving me for another day of solitude.

petal drying on the window

In a couple of weeks school will be out, the movement and voices of the girls in other rooms will fill the emptiness. I enjoy the quiet and while I look forward to my daughters' presence through the short New Hampshire summer season, I'll miss the sweetness of days that are mine for writing, napping, photographing, meditating, and singing to myself. Though nearly grown at 14 and 17, they will want (and deserve) my attention. They will also want their distance, their privacy, to be with friends...but our days will not be quiet. It is a strange thing, mothering teenagers. A push and pull craving as they grow into young women still needing their mother and defining their independence, while I embrace what I hope are still my middle years with a feeling of pregnant urgency (imagine 38 weeks with early contractions) to finally create without interruption.

abstract heart in blue and green

Funny how the past ten months, since the Gabapentin toxicity and flu shot debacle combined left me mostly cloistered in my bedroom, unable to drive my car or go places independently, has both blessed me with sacred time to focus on creative pursuits, and shifted the way I think about being alone. Now I understand the precious hours between 7am and 2:20pm as a gift, rather than an illness induced prison sentence of loneliness.

(The image above is from a car ride when my parents were visiting, I love the blur of colors and the mysterious heart shape that was revealed when I uploaded the photo. It is faint, can you see it?)

sky longing to be blue

Four hours have passed since I started this post. I took some time to capture moments in photos, a bath, write some lyrics, record a scratch track of a new melody floating through my mind, and emailed a few friends. The sun is shining intermittently but the sky is not completely blue. The storm clouds and heat have cast a white-gray expanse above the greens and pinks of rhododendron at the edge of the woods as I look out the window behind me.

rhododendron blossoming

If you are a regular visitor to my blog, you might be wondering about news regarding new meds. Yesterday I received a phone call to tell me our insurance company and the financial assistance program have approved me for Gilenya through the end of December 2011. However, I still have a few more tests before we can officially get started, to make sure it will be safe for me. So I don't have a start date quite yet, but hopefully within the next three weeks. This is big relief, as I feel like an MS time bomb without protection from a disease modifying medication in my system. Although I think the high dose of steroids from last week will provide a temporary shield against new lesions. I'm still in a bit of a post steroid fog, but better today than yesterday.

self portrait-reflection of a photographer's hands

Thank you for the amazing response to my last post. I feel encouraged to keep writing, photographing, composing and singing. I had stopped singing for a very long time, years of not feeling confident as a singer. I still have performance anxiety, but recording at home makes that a non-issue. Gotta love technology! It felt so good to release what was inside and share it with all of you. You are so kind and I am grateful for every single message.

self portrait-honoring the sacred feminine within

Gentle steps,

Laura

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