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When we see through our hearts, we recognize that every single one of us is infused with creativity. Divine Sparks are embedded in everyone and everything. It's up to us to be courageous, to look and listen deeply, to find the sparks, gather and release them back into the universe, transformed into something new. Join me as we wake up to the sacred-ordinary blessings waiting to greet us each and every day.

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Monday, July 18, 2011

A River of Stones: July 18


 A Small Stone:
I wake up and in my mind I silently recite my first morning prayer: Modah Ani, I Thank YOU. I can hear the voice that will be projected soon, when I say “good morning” to my family, clear, with or without an accent, completely dysarthric. I know before my lips part what others will hear. It is a strange phenomenon, but I can hear my voice inside my head. 

More pebbles from the river of my mind:
It comes and goes like so many other symptoms: the ability to speak in such a way that others will understand me. More than any other discomfort or pain, far more than my difficulty with walking, the way my body descends to the ground in slow motion when the signals don’t transmit properly from nerves to muscles, this inability to express my thoughts through my voice with clarity humbles me to the core. With deepest gratitude I appreciate the patience of my family as they attempt to interpret my garbled utterances. We laugh at the misunderstandings and my strange pronunciations, (sometimes I cry).

I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow morning. I think it is likely that adjusting to the new medication is creating deeper  fatigue and that is drawing out the dysarthria right now.

It is taught in the Torah that God spoke the world into being. Perhaps this is why I treasure words so much and feel deep sadness when my mouth will not form them. But I can type today, my hands are not too numb to at least put down these thoughts. I can still sing, the "wiring" is not disrupted there. I am so tired. I am so very tired.

13 comments:

  1. I pray the right dosage is found right away, to give you the best possible benefit.

    You can type, I can read, we are blessed, to have each other.

    I call out your name to God.

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  2. I hope you can listen to your body and take a rest.
    So glad that you're grateful that your singing "wiring" still works. Sending you a special heart song with love and light, Jill

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  3. i am sorry to hear this, laura. i hope your body can rebound a bit again to allow you to speak without issue.

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  4. So, so sorry.
    Holding on to hope for you.
    Grace and peace

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  5. I am praying that the doctors find the right dosage for you. Speech is so very important to me as well and I treat my voice as a treasured friend.

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  6. big big hugs laura!!

    it just plan sucks!!

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  7. Girlfriend...your words are coming out loud and strong on this post. Hang in there. I hear you!!!! Love

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  8. Hi Laura... I am so touched by this post. And right now, I want to give you a big and really tight cyberhug. I admire your strength and how you do your best to stay positive amidst such difficulty. I hope you'll get better.

    *hugs*

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  9. i am crying with you, as i read this. may God breathe life into your weary soul, today. may He reveal Himself to you in the midst of the storms. may you be surrounded by His love, His presence, and His Word. praying for you, today...

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  10. Written words are the containers for the vibrations of sound; can you see them quivering? They vibrate in our minds, in our world, on the page or screen whether given 'voice' or not, their message comes through. I hear you. (((bighug)))

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  11. Sending words to heaven for you. Sending words of love and encouragement to you. Please know that your heart will not be silenced and your voice will not be stilled, no matter what your body does.

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