A River of Stones: July 18

 A Small Stone:

I wake up and in my mind I silently recite my first morning prayer: Modah Ani, I Thank YOU. I can hear the voice that will be projected soon, when I say “good morning” to my family, clear, with or without an accent, completely dysarthric. I know before my lips part what others will hear. It is a strange phenomenon, but I can hear my voice inside my head. 

More pebbles from the river of my mind:

It comes and goes like so many other symptoms: the ability to speak in such a way that others will understand me. More than any other discomfort or pain, far more than my difficulty with walking, the way my body descends to the ground in slow motion when the signals don’t transmit properly from nerves to muscles, this inability to express my thoughts through my voice with clarity humbles me to the core. With deepest gratitude I appreciate the patience of my family as they attempt to interpret my garbled utterances. We laugh at the misunderstandings and my strange pronunciations, (sometimes I cry).

I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow morning. I think it is likely that adjusting to the new medication is creating deeper  fatigue and that is drawing out the dysarthria right now.

It is taught in the Torah that God spoke the world into being. Perhaps this is why I treasure words so much and feel deep sadness when my mouth will not form them. But I can type today, my hands are not too numb to at least put down these thoughts. I can still sing, the "wiring" is not disrupted there. I am so tired. I am so very tired.