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Thursday, July 21, 2011
A River of Stones: July 21
It is all too familiar. Waiting for a nurse to call from the doctor’s office, home health, the infusion pharmacy. Talking on the phone is so difficult; thinking about it makes me anxious. I look around the room at the midday summer sun, shiny green leaves gently dancing, glimmering beyond my window, beckoning me to come home. I stop this passive-activity, “waiting,” for a few conscious breaths, returning to this moment, just this one.
Later this evening or tomorrow we will start five days of solumedrol, as soon as I can be scheduled. The meds are on a truck, on their way. I can't believe I'm writing anything at all. I am more tired than I've been in a very long time. There are several new lesions in my corpus callosum and cerebellum, more than last months fresh crop. I feel relieved knowing that the steroids will be flowing into my veins soon, relieved knowing that I am on a powerful medicine to slow down the progression of this disease, trusting that it will once we calm the latest inflammation. I'm floating in the space "between," nothing to do, just rest, heal. Yesterday, my longing to do was so strong, today it is gone, no more flailing, struggling against what is completely beyond my control. Tomorrow? Who knows what I will feel, be aware of, desire, miss? So I free-fall into the moment, a lazy river of “what is.”
“What isn’t” does not seem very important right now.
Please forgive me for not visiting your blogs, I just don't have it in me to read your beautiful words and write comments these days. I miss you all so much. I appreciate more than you can know all of your prayers, well wishes and thoughtful responses to my writing.
Things will change (they always do) and I will be back to my friendly neighborhood blogging self. Gordon has not had time to get me a new external drive and the current one is spotty at best, so no new photos, even though I've taken many through car windows lately!