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Sunday, August 28, 2011

Suspended


Suspended. So often it seems my life is suspended, dangling, precariously connected to invisible filaments of faith. I look down at the moment simultaneously from inside and outside of my self, beautifully poised from a place I did not expect to be; yet here I am, seeing what is present, trembling in the breeze created by my own anxiety.  Trembling, seeing, staying, suspended, face to face with...


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It's been an emotional stormy week for me, supporting my older daughter at the pain clinic (even though the weather outside at that time was sunny and beautiful!)...very long days and evenings for both of us. After the eight hours at the pprc each day, there are two more hours of pt and ot in the hotel room. We are exhausted; she is hurting, but remarkably cheerful.  For me this experience has been intensified with memories of three years ago when my other daughter was staying at Children's Hospital rising up and swirling into the mix of what is happening now. Add to that, once fatigue hits, my nerves start to malfunction and I don't have a lot of energy left for cheerleading. All in all though, it has been good for us. Her for obvious reasons, me, well, I am facing emotions I did not fully integrate three years ago. I did not have the time between the "doing" aspect of feeding tubes, pain management, emotional support, doctors appointments, and dealing with school stuff, for my then twelve year old followed by me having shingles that turned into what was originally diagnosed as vestibular neuritis and nine months later revealed itself fully as multiple sclerosis.

As the winds whip and the rain lashes outside our windows here in NH with Hurricane Irene zooming up the coast, I keep telling myself, “this too shall pass.” For the moment I remain suspended between what was, what is, what will be; sorting through painful feelings AND being the best mom I can be to both of my girls here at home as we ride out the storm before next week’s grueling schedule begins.

The lights are starting to flicker in our house and the hotel my parents are staying at in the next town over has no power. They are on their way over now before the river floods and our neighborhood is inaccessible.  So grateful we have a generator, we will all be fine. If we can't make it to the hospital tomorrow, that will be ok too.

Breath by breath, moment by moment, step by gentle step.

51 comments:

  1. Being suspended can be a wonder-filled place. Great photo illustration.

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  2. Love this post and the wonderful picture a much !!!

    best regards
    isabella

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  3. Being suspended could be a great place to be...love the poem. :)

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  4. Being a new follower, I was unaware of both of your daughter's situations, but it sounds serious. Knowing how I feel when either of my two children is ill, I can only imagine how much harder this must be for you who are battling your own very serious health issues at the same time! I feel for you, Laura! I admire your great fortitude and the positive approach you choose as you deal daily with all of these challenges. That takes great strength and courage, both of which reside in hope and faith that "this, too, will pass." you are a remarkable and inspiring woman!

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  5. Beautiful photographs Laura. Doing our best is sometimes the only consolation we can take for situations outwith our control.
    PEACE be with you and yours.

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  6. I have an image in my mind of your hands in mine .... this too shall pass. They are just words but I really believe your amazing strength will get you through whatever you set your mind to.

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  7. wishing you more moments of peace than anxiety.

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  8. I hope things go back to normal for you soon!

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  9. That's a beautiful flower. Take care and I'm sorry you and your daughters have been going through so much.

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  10. Wonderful shot of the flower! Best wishes for you and your daughter!

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  11. Welcome to Weekendflowers. Thanks for sharing your lovely flower with us :) LG Tina

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  12. I think we're all suspended...life is such a fragile thing...
    Take care, my friend.
    Hugs,
    Becky

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  13. it is always darkest, right before the light!!! big hugs!!!

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  14. Dear Laura..."this too shall pass" is something that I tell myself in difficult situations. But nothing seems more difficult than what you're going through now. I hope you'll ride through this storm. Your photo and the words below can't be more poignant.

    Love a prayers.

    Kanak

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  15. I agree with Debbie - It is always the darkest, right before the light.
    Continual prayers and a hug sent your way...

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  16. An exceptionally beautiful lily.
    Greetings Biggy

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  17. You leave me breathless with your beautiful words and powerful spirit and deep courage. Sending love and light and prayers to you and yours.

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  18. You certainly have your hands and your heart full at the moment. Yes - this too shall pass..no feeling is final. And - just breathe!

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  19. Hmmm...your lovely opening couldn't help but remind the old American Lit. professor in me of Jonathan Edwards "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God"(early American Lit.--the Puritan era--somehow, fortunately, we got from there to Whitman--
    "am larger, better than I thought;/ I did not know I held so much goodness"). That aside, I'm sitting in a Starbucks near my mom's place, where I'm staying for the weekend, and where there's been no electricity, running water, or internet (which is why it's a good thing I'm there, since my mom no longer drives, and you certainly wouldn't want her crashing around in the dark looking for a flashlight). As wise former commenters have pointed out, this too shall pass.

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  20. hallo Laura
    wunderschön hast Du meine Lieblingsblume eingefangen..

    Alles LIEBE und GUTE wünscht das katerchen

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  21. Ich hoffe, du kannst aus der Schönheit der Natur Kraft für die Zukunft schöpfen.
    Eine schöne Blüte....
    LG: Karin

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  22. "So often it seems my life is suspended, dangling, precariously connected to invisible filaments of faith."

    yes, i can relate. thinking of you, today...

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  23. may your anchors hold fast
    through the wind and the rain
    for moment by moment
    time and again
    the invisible threads
    which keep you connected
    show good maintenance
    from not being neglected
    hold onto your rituals
    and daily practice
    for they are the anchors
    that really matter

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  24. Oh Laura, it seems that suspended would almost be a blessing, at least for awhile. I am full of admiration for the work you do, mothering your girls and healing yourself. You have many challenges, yet you never allow them to take over.

    You are daily in my prayers for strength and healing.

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  25. I am sorry about your daughters and have you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Your prose and photo are beautiful and inspirational.

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  26. Your strength of spirit always shines through in your writing. I've said it before, you are such an inspiration. Wishing you and your daughters a peaceful week.

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  27. Yes, so true. It will all pass. Enjoy the moment. May your daughter be well and happy.

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  28. I hope you will have very peaceful days.

    Very beautiful leopard lily!

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  29. It certainly does sound like it's been challenging lately. I hope you and your family stay safe throughout the hurricane. Blessings.

    Teresa

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  30. "So often it seems my life is suspended, dangling, precariously connected to invisible filaments of faith." Those invisible filaments of faith create a soft, supportive web, cradling when we tire of the struggle, holding us with loving care. Not a crutch as some may think, but a part of us, woven into our being as believers. Faith that a diagnosis would be found ... and so it was. Faith that an opening would be available for her ... and so it was. Faith that she will be released from the pain ... and so it will be.
    As you said previously "It is time now to step outside of this old circle and begin a new one of healing." Gentle loving hugs ...
    When you tire, dear Laura, relax into that cradling web of faith. In those filaments are woven the prayers and love and caring of all who know you through here and elsewhere. Let our good thoughts hold you so you can rest a bit as needed, trusting that all will be well.

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  31. Thinking of you too. Yesterday Lois and I went to a private jazz concert at a friends house under the stars which looked over the city. It was quite pleasant. We also celebrated a three year anniversary of being listed for transplant. I was told back then that I had 18 months to live without help from the clinic. Since then I've doubled the odds. Maybe another year, right?
    My thoughts are with you and your daughter tonight. Be well.

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  32. This too shall pass - a wonderful mantra to live by.
    Wishing you and daughters gentle steps to healing.

    Hope Irene wasn't a terrible guest. My daughter is in Virginia and hasn't had electricity for over 36 hours now.
    All the best to you.

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  33. A wonderful photo and a great flower.
    Have a nice day.

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  34. Dear Laura, you convey with so much beauty, style and composure the events of your life, despite the pain you experience, through all the storms battering down on you - in the abstract and literally sense as well. I love the intro to this post as well as the last sentence.
    You are a very sensitive yet a very strong woman and an inspiration to all of us...
    xoxo

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  35. Beautiful words and a lovely photo.
    I hope you are all O.K. after Irene passed.
    I'm sorry for all the problems you and your daughters are facing.
    My thoughts and prayers are with you all.
    Hang in there, there comes sunshine after rain!

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  36. Sending you some calm after the storm... Lois

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  37. You are certainly a brave lady and the pillar of strength for your daughters. I hope that 'You Shall Overcome' and may there be a silver lining at the back of every dark cloud you see. May your days ahead be as lovely as this beautiful lily flower.

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  38. As the title of your last post says, you are in the thick of it. I am glad your parents are able to be there and you are in a safe place. I find that storms on the outside often make visible what we are feeling on the inside.

    My thoughts are with you day by day ~

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  39. Your constant bravery is such an inspiration...

    We got hit with Irene here as well and otday we are cleaning up: broken branches, overturned garbage cans and benches, construction signs gone flying...there are still pockets of people without power, but since we got hit with an ice storm back in 1998 the power grid has been solidified and our crews are experts at getting the power back on quickly. We shuld be back to normal by tomorrow :o)

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  40. beautiful pic, sending you love and prayer...

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  41. Gorgeous details in that macro Laura.

    I've been feeling a bit suspended myself as of late. ♥

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  42. Love love love! I love the spotted lilies. :)

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  43. much like the hurricane, there comes a time it will pass...that feeling though can be uneasy until it comes...prayers for you and your fam...

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  44. My prayers are with you and your daughter. Laura, coming to your blog is like entering a sacred space. Thank you.

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  45. Hey, Dear Laura, I came back because I'm not sure if in my comment I had told you I really admire you for saying this is really "a good thing" that you are going through.

    I feel like that about things that seem pretty tough to handle.

    xo

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