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Sunday, August 28, 2011
Suspended. So often it seems my life is suspended, dangling, precariously connected to invisible filaments of faith. I look down at the moment simultaneously from inside and outside of my self, beautifully poised from a place I did not expect to be; yet here I am, seeing what is present, trembling in the breeze created by my own anxiety. Trembling, seeing, staying, suspended, face to face with...
It's been an emotional stormy week for me, supporting my older daughter at the pain clinic (even though the weather outside at that time was sunny and beautiful!)...very long days and evenings for both of us. After the eight hours at the pprc each day, there are two more hours of pt and ot in the hotel room. We are exhausted; she is hurting, but remarkably cheerful. For me this experience has been intensified with memories of three years ago when my other daughter was staying at Children's Hospital rising up and swirling into the mix of what is happening now. Add to that, once fatigue hits, my nerves start to malfunction and I don't have a lot of energy left for cheerleading. All in all though, it has been good for us. Her for obvious reasons, me, well, I am facing emotions I did not fully integrate three years ago. I did not have the time between the "doing" aspect of feeding tubes, pain management, emotional support, doctors appointments, and dealing with school stuff, for my then twelve year old followed by me having shingles that turned into what was originally diagnosed as vestibular neuritis and nine months later revealed itself fully as multiple sclerosis.
As the winds whip and the rain lashes outside our windows here in NH with Hurricane Irene zooming up the coast, I keep telling myself, “this too shall pass.” For the moment I remain suspended between what was, what is, what will be; sorting through painful feelings AND being the best mom I can be to both of my girls here at home as we ride out the storm before next week’s grueling schedule begins.
The lights are starting to flicker in our house and the hotel my parents are staying at in the next town over has no power. They are on their way over now before the river floods and our neighborhood is inaccessible. So grateful we have a generator, we will all be fine. If we can't make it to the hospital tomorrow, that will be ok too.
Breath by breath, moment by moment, step by gentle step.