Shine the Divine:

Creativity IS a Spiritual Practice

When we see through our hearts, we recognize that every single one of us is infused with creativity. Divine Sparks are embedded in everyone and everything. It's up to us to be courageous, to look and listen deeply, to find the sparks, gather and release them back into the universe, transformed into something new. Join me as we wake up to the sacred-ordinary blessings waiting to greet us each and every day.

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As the days grow shorter and the nights longer it is a joy to continue spreading the light threaded through our Gratitude Quilt 2014

Sunday, March 11, 2012

they'll sing themselves free




the world rushes by
silhouette patina sky
passenger of mind

silence fragments these
words scratched through india ink
colored stories rise

i let them go wild
birds cannot be caged for long
they'll sing themselves free






I am struggling with blog silence. I miss everyone. It is lonelier when suddenly silence isn't a choice, but imposed by misfiring neurons. I can talk intermittently and then back to gobbledygook, no warning. The steroids must be starting to take down some of the inflammation because there are periods of clear speech and then it sinks down into the black again like the color draining from the top of the photo into the darkness at the bottom.


My concentration is poor and creativity feels stilted, not the flow I was experiencing before this brainstorm tornado touched down. NOT what I planned for this month. Why do I plan??? Life just unfolds, as it will anyway. Jack Sparrow's compass, now that might come in handy....nah...my inner compass, that I can trust. No map. No plan, just listening deep to that rhythmic compass; my own beating heart. And if North is suddenly West, then I need to re-calibrate, pay closer attention, breathe, rest, breathe, be. Oh, can you imagine this renegade compass needle spinning? Or is it just my mind? Vertigo certainly isn't helping.

Perhaps it is this lack of blogging my thoughts that has been holding my creativity back? Maybe I need to write here, right here, to stimulate this wonky brain of mine? I’ve been so tired. The “other” writing I’d planned to do just isn’t happening the way I'd hoped. I am so tired. Have I mentioned that I’m tired???? Yeah, swollen brain tissue can do that to a person. Compassion, compassion, it is ok to rest. I need to rest.

And it will return, my voice I mean. My legs will walk again without going ragdoll to the floor. I know these abilities will come back to a certain degree, maybe not exactly as before, but mostly once the steroids do their magic. I'm always a little less physically functional after a new exacerbation nibbles away the precious protective myelin, and also a little more —in unexpected ways, a little more. And then the "gains" will all leave me once again —jilted, jolted, disjointed when the moon or stars or T cells are aligned (or misaligned) just so.

Oh, these wild birds want out, to be freed from this cagey body. Perhaps that is the little more; this quiet knowing that I am a little bit more than what is infused in these bones, this flesh. A body I hated as a teen and young woman, a body I learned to love as I finally matured (ok still maturing, 47 in two weeks). A body I do love and respect for all that it still accomplishes despite the challenges, and its bird bone fragility —how I longed to be skinny fought my hunger when I was young and NOW can’t keep weight on —another joke the Universe is enjoying toying with. Perhaps MS is an apt metaphor for life's unpredictability in general...but on steroids! 

Oh this vessel beautifully crafted and absolutely imperfect. This body supports me as well as it can. But I’m a little bit more, more than this body, more than this mind, more than emotions flapping wings and clawing through dense ink for language to express my essence beyond words —even if I could say them aloud and be easily understood...and I will again, I will, for a time.

I am a soul, neshama, I am breath, neshima, I hear, sh’mati. I’m listening to my SoulSelf singing —singing, “This is my life.”  It is the life I've been both cursed and blessed to live. I don't always have to like it. Love life? Yes. Like every moment? No. I’m allowed to feel sad, impatient, frustrated. Even angry, the emotion I dread and loathe for it always gets me in trouble. I’ve earned every feeling as much as you have earned yours; merit badges for surviving and thriving through the hardships and joys of being human.

So I am reentering blogdom, out of boredom, loneliness, longing —but slowly. I am very good at slow, if not patience. “Thank you MS,” she says, tongue and cheeky; still, this gratitude is real, for slow is a wonderful gift, and I am far more blessed than cursed, of this I am completely certain. I am broken. I am whole. I am slow. I struggle; we all do sometimes. This catharsis has given me relief. Thank you for reading this far, if you have, for listening to my small voice rising. You are beautiful and kind and your visits and loving comments heal me. I hope being here awakens healing in you too, at the very least I pray it opens a crack so light gives you an honest look at your own precious life.

visit The Imaginary Garden
haiku my heart at recuerda mi corazon


51 comments:

  1. Tears...of joy, of sadness, for you, for me, for each of us as we do the best we can with what life holds for us. You so beautifully describe your experience that I am grateful I am here to read it, while I pray that time heals and your voice soon returns so those dreams become reality. Blessings to you my friend. You are in my prayers always ~

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  2. ...peace, light and love dear laura.

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  3. I hope all your posts are put into a book, I am new here so they may already be. Your inner voice inspires me to use my own as I am able to use it...I hope the steriods help...that the t-cells behave...hugs..Michelle

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  4. Laura..I am just beginning to look through everything here..it is am amazing collection. You may be without your voice as the moment, but this blog sings loud and clear about everything that you are...Michelle

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  5. Laura, the image and poem at the top are MAGNIFICENT. "They'll sing themselves free" for certain and they did so during your post. I applaud you as you travel with so much grace through difficult days. You really inspire us to not take for granted the simple things, like simply trusting our legs will hold us up when we put them over the side of the bed. I love your gratitude for the gift of slowness. With chronic fatigue, I so know what you mean - it is a real gift, to not have to rush at the pace of everyone else, to be able to stop and savor the small moments that bring joy. So glad I happened upon your post this morning. Take care, and rest easy....the words will return. In fact, they did so quite wonderfully this Sunday morning!

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  6. This is my first visit here and you write beautifully! ((hugs))

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  7. I am also in a period where I am trying my best to take things one day at a time. Your writing here has inspired me to keep trying to take things as they come. I will continue to pray for wellness to find you again.

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  8. I know we are all glad that you have come out of your silence and are back to blogging, bringing such intense and lovely thoughts. But I am so sorry about what is going on with you. Yes, aren't steroids wonderful when we need them?? I count the days till I get mine. I hated my body as a teenager and young woman, how youth can be so callous and not let us love ourselves like we love others!! Our bodies can hold up under so much, a miraculous workmanship. I know you are getting better and also more creative all the time.

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  9. bowing to your perfection. now, always.

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  10. Welcome back!! And - yes - take it really slow...and really easy. Listen to your body..and rest.

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  11. You have a beautiful spirit and your strength comes through all your pain and self doubt. Keep writing everyday.

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  12. I'm sorry to hear your MS is acting up. I pray your strength and energy will return soon and your brain will "feel better". Blessings. xx

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  13. Your inner voice is rising and reaching out to so many of us! It is a very special, beautiful voice that touches all our hearts! And the song of your image is wonderfully haunting, lingering!

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  14. you write beautifully!

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  15. for starters, your small voice grabs me by the hand, carrying me while you climb on God's lap. for this, i am grateful, and thankful, and thrilled to my fingertips.

    i would be so lonely if i were to be silenced. i would tiptoe back and open the door often, to see what is going on. perhaps this is a lesson in itself, one for you, one for us.

    i identify too, with the body thing. i've come to love my body too. it is way to much fun, i have relaxed about my looks, no pressure. health matters.

    gosh, this is like a conversation face to face.

    i remember you daily, sometimes more than once, and i pray a lot. i love prayer, i love God. The saying, He works in mysterious ways is not scripture, but for me it is true.

    it's funny, like you can't stay away since you went blog silent...
    i keep needing to hear from you more than ever

    love & ((hugs))

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  16. She of gentle steps has been wounded and now sings a song that is both melody and dirge. Beauty weaves through the smiles and the tears because the singer is beauty herself. Blessings, my dear Laura. Blessings to you.
    Judy

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  17. post script:

    "the caged bird sings itself free." i adore this! thank you forever.

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  18. I feel so much love...for all of you, from all of you...sacred space. That is what this is...beyond time or land to touch down on...just space....sacred loving space.
    xoxo

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  19. beautiful words

    wild
    birds cannot be caged for long
    they'll sing themselves free


    and in your prose:

    Why do I plan??? Life just unfolds, as it will anyway.

    amen.

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  20. From image to words... and then beyond. You rise beyond them all. Each word a step, each reaching a grace. Not far from the hearts of many. ((*))

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  21. I wish you all the best. I know someone with MS that is not doing very well presently. Beautiful words here to inspire.

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  22. oh friend. i understand. there is such communion in the blog community. it is a fine balance. i find such encouragement in your words... love you.

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  23. Dear Laura,

    Listen to your body, take a rest and then come back stronger and full of energy than ever. And always have positive thoughts.

    Many hugs and best wishes for you from the bottom of my soul

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  24. Living with chronic pain that debilitates and places one in a very, small box with little wiggle room, I understand the feeling of helplessness one feels but also the slow recuperation/healing that one goes through where patience and gratitude are gifted. I've never had te courage to pen this part of my life and so I always find your words comforting in a way knowing I'm not alone in my pain and restrictions and above all inspiring for all that you go through and yet find the strength of mind and physical ability to pen these words for us. Your courage in this realm and in life is admirable. Blessings dear Laura and wishing you speedy recovery.

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  25. So beautifully sad, yet as always filled with hope and aspiration Laura. Without the physical energy, yet your life´s song soars with tremendous range and love.

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  26. Hello, Laura! I found your beautiful place here via Susan of Just...A Moment, and so glad to be here to meet you. I have chronic fatigue, so I understand a good bit about what is it like living illness that really changes and challenges one's life. You are brave to be here and sharing. :o) The extra line of your blog name, hooked me right away--"creativity is a spiritual practice"...that's what my life is all about, my belief too. Great too meet! Wishing you grace during some difficult times. Blessings ((HUGS))

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  27. This is really beautiful, Laura. I do hope you get to feeling better soon.

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  28. I leave here feeling so inspired to relate and love more and with such a deeper peace. I pray that your voice returns that I shall be albe to share in your eloquent expression of thought.

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  29. hope you are feeling better. love and light to you.

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  30. I hope you are feeling better real soon Laura.
    Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Thank you so very much for being a part of The Creative Exchange.

    Have a good evening, and i will surely still see you here!

    lisa.

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  31. Hope you are getting better and better ~

    Blessings and more blessings to you ~

    Cheers ~

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  32. You are so inspiring, Laura. We can all learn much from your spirit and strength.

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  33. I so relate to that feeling of wanting to fly free from the "cage" of one's body... praying for you, still. Grateful, along with you, for this place in which we can connect and support each other. As for plans? I understand that frustration all too well, too...

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  34. i like that turn of phrase, passengers of the mind...and yes let the wild birds fly, the words do not like to remain caged...smiles....i pray peace and healing, warm thoughts your way

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  35. You are in my prayers weekly. Loved the sentiment. Someday you'll be free too. Love, Mosk

    (Happy Early Birthday, in case I forget)

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  36. This is a beautiful poem. Unusual word choices and imagery. Hope your blog silence blooms into more wonderful poetry like this.

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  37. Not sure if my Wordpress comment posted. Will try as Google. Beautiful poetry, unusual and vivid images. Hope more poetry like this blooms soon!

    http://poemblaze.wordpress.com

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  38. dear one,

    i followed you here last night. i watched your videos, read your poetry. slipped into past posts and in the end my visit was so profound i left silent to ruminate on the living of life.
    thank you for staying with me, in my heart, thoughts, the contours of my heart. thank you for whispering straight to my heart.
    thank you for the fullness of you.

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  39. We are here. We are listening. No matter how still or how silent the physical realm may try to make your voice, know that you vibrate on a frequency so much higher that the limitations we are taught. It is the voice of your soul that holds us bound here, that brings you to our thoughts no matter the silence. You are an example to so many, and your strength is amazing. Stay well, stay strong, stay you. Your beautiful and divine light does so much good.

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  40. just dropping by to say hello and that I'm glad I met you Laura ... am still enjoying your photos on our other site ... I'm posting for dVerse tonight so thought I'd post my link for you and if you're so inclined, drop by my blog ... thank you again for your encouragement ... be well ... peace.

    http://thepoet-tree-house.blogspot.com/2012/03/fog-at-dusk-is-crowded.html

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  41. Very nice words and photo... you always have way with words Laura. wishing you all the best and good health.

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  42. you describe so perfectly!!!
    "india ink" ....
    These are spot on!!!

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  43. dear laura,
    each saturday i post my "lover of small words". it is a way of acknowledging the contributions of all on haiku my heart friday through the honoring of one.
    thank you for speaking straight to my heart!

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  44. Your words are powerful for all who live on the edge of sadness and joy, the way you pour it all out for us to drink and heal, thank you.

    Sue x

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  45. Dear Laura... your words are so beautiful. And the pain and struggle and cage that you write from, touches my heart deeply. Even though she is still alive... MS took my sister from me. I know what you mean when you say one moment you can do something and the next you can not and you never know what it will be like when and if it returns. It is like being upon a bucking ship in a wild storm. Every moment becomes a miracle. Thank you for sharing these letters of india ink. May this song that you sing from your heart release all wild birds to the open sky... Much love to you.

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  46. I hear you Laura. I listen. Yes, I made it this far...to the end of your story. What a prviledge to be sacred witness to your life which in one way or another, mirrors our lives. You wise soul consoles, counsels, loves and expresses...beauty. Thank you.

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