spiraling return

spiraling return

out and in lovingkindness

toward HAMAKOM home

i lit a little candle in your memory

diminutive in stature like you

the light an expansive glow in evening’s darkness

and early dawn

also like you

your soul your heart bigger than your small frame could

contain

and you held us all in your ample bosom

kisses and blessings showered upon us

your kinderlach

though not biologically

not exactly

the night before you passed from this plane

into the compassionate well of

MYSTERY

as you fretted beneath the oxygen mask

i cupped around your mouth and nose

a lullaby arose

i held YOU wrapped in my arms

an attempt to soothe your fears

witnessing your return to child

curling inward

pushing me

the mask

this world

away

spiraling return toward the place

HAMAKOM

from which you were born

me a young woman

newly married

whispered promises to name a child

for you

as you had birthed none

from your flesh

and i did and she’s

diminutive in stature like you

her light an expansive glow through dark-times

also like you

a heart and soul bigger than her small frame can

contain

“i have grown to know myself

through the stories that you tell

of a past you know so well

you have given of yourself

from your heart into my soul

you recount a hundred years

of the simchas and the tears

since our family settled here”

oh so long ago I’ve forgotten

 the other lyrics

such is my mind

as i too am now aging...

still the melody of the song

threaded through your labored breath

lingers

a tender prayer I canNOT

forget

true chessed

lovingkindness

a residue that will always

remain

and they call her B

my daughter’s friends

and you were BB to us

B

blessed

B

beloved

B

beside

a little candle

illuminating memory for you

i sit

The photos at the top are from the silent retreat I returned home from on Thursday. Our practice was primarily "chessed blessings" you may know this as "metta practice" from the Pali language. The poem above  honors the blessed memory of my Great Aunt Bella Bender. My daughter Belin Regina, my first child is named for her and her sister, my Nana Reggie. Both women helped to raise my mother (along with Great Aunt Rosie and many other family members), as her father died when she was only five years old. When my Nana (who lived with us) passed, BeBe was with us children because my parents were traveling at that time. This was the first significant death I experienced as a child and Aunt Be became a surrogate grandmother to me from that moment on. Purple was her favorite color. In reading back through this I awakened to the wisdom of her nick-name: Be. Be.

May we remember and honor too our veterans who have returned and those who have not, will not, with gratitude for their sacrifice on our behalf.

I hope you will join me and participate in the Gratitude Quilt this year. From my experience, there is something or someone to be grateful for every day, perhaps every moment if we pause and search our hearts. Close your eyes exhale, inhale, ask yourself "what am I grateful for in THIS moment?" exhale again and without thinking write whatever words flow from your heart and send them to me laura@shinethedivine.com with Gratitude Quilt in the subject line. The quilt of our words will be unfolded on the morning of November 22nd. Please return to my blog to experience the beauty of gratitude on Thanksgiving Day in the United States.

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