in repose i wait
my job is simply to restfor a little while
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Wednesday, October 2, 2013
In repose I wait on my own yielding bed, veins plumped with herbal tea, fresh water and patience, tomorrow the nurse will come with medicine (an infusion of solumedrol) to soothe my swollen brain and ease my mind, less fretful now, knowing help is on the way after days of back and forth phone calls.
I watch golden wasps hover outside the window building a paper home that might survive the winter, educate myself; a YouTube scholar.
“Faith is the courage to live with uncertainty,” I hear the retired Chief Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks say. Who am I to argue, I know he’s right.
Flat on my back, I look to the sky, the trees vibrant, valiant, life affirming. I’ve not felt this tired in a long time. It is good to know the world is busy being beautiful, and for a little while, perhaps longer, my job is simply to rest.
We’ll know after an MRI if this is an exacerbation (inflammation of new scars) or a pseudo exacerbation (old scars inflamed). Either way, I’m dwelling in territory I remember well. I miss my speaking voice, walking without jerking and shaking AND look at what a gorgeous autumn day this is. There are no right or wrong responses to the difficulties in our lives, confusion, fear, grief, doubt. I shared a version of the paragraph below with a friend in an email exchange yesterday:
There is abundance that feels wonderful and overwhelming, there is courage that ought not have to be drawn upon, but it is. Life is rife with sorrow and beauty, closings and openings, windows, doors, for some in the hollowing of cancer riddled bones and for others brains with empty spaces where neurons once communicated, joints that are painful because they are stiff, joints that are painful because they are too flexible, and we get to choose gratitude in the swirl, the plunge, the swell of it all, THE ALL each day, over and over again.
I was supposed to offer two meditations in the next few days, one Friday in The Healing Womb and one next Tuesday. So teaching by example instead: Rest. Notice the thoughts, emotions and sensations as they arise and pass. Remember that healing is possible. Maybe not in the way you expect, or wish it to happen, such as a "cure," still as long as we trust that it could happen, it will, in mysterious ways. Wait, watch, be present... you'll see.
“Faith is the courage to live with uncertainty...” ...we get to choose gratitude in the swirl, the plunge, the swell of it all, THE ALL each day, over and over again.
Don't forget to share the love up close with I Heart Macro, the linky opens @ 8pm EST Saturday evening. I may not have the energy to visit everyone, but I know you will visit one another.