Tiny worm bends down
to sip the sweet elixir
of life in a drop
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Sunday, June 5, 2016
I Heart Macro 131
After a rainy night, when morning sun reappeared, light dazzled and danced from one living thing to the next in a dizzying display of pure joy that my eyes were blessed to behold on a day in early May.
And then, the metaphoric joyful dizziness took an unfortunate turn experienced as physically internalized vertigo. It was as though I was moving when still, as opposed to sensing that I was still but everything outside of me was spinning. At first I thought perhaps this was allergy related, so I attempted to wait it out. Alas it got worse and more familiar MS related symptoms revealed themselves as well. It was time to go see the neurologist. For the past month or so I have been healing through an ongoing UTI that caused the onset of an MS flare. (Pseudo exacerbations, meaning no new plaques in the central nervous system rather an “awakening” of old ones, are very commonly brought on by any kind of infection for people with MS.)
As of Friday I am now on a second round of antibiotics, hoping this time they will work and my life will return for the most part to how it was. The weirdly good news is that because I am mostly in bed, head propped against a pillow to help quell the swimming sensations, not walking around much, I am not feeling the pain of muscle spasticity in my pelvic muscles and back with the same intensity that I had felt when I was busy going and doing in the world beyond this bedroom. Good news is always relative, but that does not diminish its “goodness.”
I haven’t felt the energy to post anything on my blog these many weeks. Honestly, I have also been feeling frustrated, angry, sad, and useless. I’ve been looking back through old posts, reviewing the downs and ups through the years. I found myself focused on a particular “up” that for the first time started to bring me “down.” The thing is, my life seemed so spectacularly “normal” just three years ago when I was able to garden and walk for miles each day, culminating in a successful hike up Mt. Washington at the end of that summer. It was no less than a miraculous recovery from a downward spiral of increasing disability. Even then I knew it was temporary, MS is after all a progressive, unpredictable disease. And there have been backslides since, but mostly I’ve been fairly stable.
The inner voice of wisdom tells me, that looking back with a “want-don’t want” mind-state set me up for unnecessary suffering. Why not frame the same memories with “Wow what a treasure that wonder-filled summer adventure is to recall?” This is something I have always done up until now. I know this is right thinking, healthier, kinder, I really, really do, and I’m human. Sometimes I self-diminish and little me tumbles down the rabbit hole of “want-don’t want” sticky fingered longings vying for attention.
And being human, I recognize what’s happening, the extra stories gaining momentum in my mind and understand that it is possible and time to come home, acknowledging each thought child of desire with a gentle compassionate touch as I climb back out returning to sensations of my body, moved by breath, anchored by gravity to this bed of cool, rumpled sheets, soft ambient light filtered through a dove gray sky and the window above my head. Ok, so this is how it is now. And this particular now is part of a continuum of “now’s” in which rain laden clouds will release their precious cargo, slake the thirst of plants and creatures below, in due course the sun will reappear, light will dazzle in a display of pure joy, it is quite likely my eyes will be blessed to behold beauty outside in nature once more with new flora and fauna to capture my attention, and perhaps when the dancing lights stop, the dizziness will too, at least for a while.
Listening to the musical pitter-patter of drops splashing off the roof, I am grateful for the ability to discern the truth of this moment; I am calm, content from the catharsis of writing. And this too is subject to the laws of change, and change and change, here I am.
Thanks for bearing with me if you had time to read all the way through this.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
Welcome to Week 130
I Heart Macro
"Pure awareness transcends thinking... It allows you to look at the world once again with open eyes. And when you do so, a sense of wonder and quiet contentment begins to reappear in your life."~Mark Williams and Danny Pennman, from Mindfulness An Eight-Week Plan For Finding Peace In A Frantic World
It is time for YOU to share the love up-close with YOUR
I Heart Macro offerings!
Enjoy slowing down with your camera, paying full attention, observing beauty and curiosities many people pass right by. Your generosity of spirit and keen eyes may open the door to miniscule miracles and mirth others would not have access to otherwise. Feel free to include poetry, prose and thoughts your macro photo or series inspire(s) in you. Writing is completely optional for participation. Straight out of the camera (SOC), edited, color, black and white, anything goes as long as you bring the viewer near to whatever it is that drew your heart's attention and "woke you up" to full presence.
Please link back to my blog either by copying and pasting the button provided above on your post, or by linking the words "I Heart Macro" back to my blog with this link:
By sharing the link, visitors to your blog will learn about this meme and have a chance to participate as well if they so choose.